Not fair to blame child for your loneliness

As a parent, I have suddenly started feeling very lonely, since my teenage children choose to spend most weekends and their free time with their friends. I end up blaming them for my loneliness.

Do you think I’m expecting too much from them?

As children hit teenage years, your lifestyle as a family is bound to get impacted. More so if you were a parent, who spent most of your free time around your children. Teenage children gradually start steering more towards friends as they find greater meaning making conversations and creating a sense of identity. However this can make the parent feel very isolated and even cut off from their children’s life. This is very similar to what we call an Empty Nest Syndrome, where parents primarily feel sad, deeply alone as adult children have chosen to move out of their parental homes. Although your children are around, they may not be as available physically and emotionally as they used to be in the past.

I think this is a moment for you to mindfully assess where this loneliness is emanating from. Is it linked to the factor that you have based your identity primarily around your children? If yes, it is a good moment to ask yourself, how can you connect back to your own self. Focus on finding activities that allow you to nurture your own physical and emotional self. It would be unfair to blame children for the feelings you experience. This could end up making your children feel very guilty and in turn create doubt their own choices. Be careful that this parental bond doesn’t move towards enmeshment. It can be a dangerous situation where the parent feels that their role as a parent primarily defines their identity. Also if your children start seeing themselves responsible too much for your happiness, they may not be able to develop their own identities.

My husband has been struggling with depression for the last 10 years, and is under medication. However in the last six months, I have started seeing my teenage daughter show symptoms of a possible low mood. Do you think we must take her to the psychiatrist?

While I can understand that depression can have a genetic history, during teenage years it is common for children to struggle with mood swings. It may help if she can meet a psychologist who can teach her how to regulate her own moods and also help you ascertain if her visit to the psychiatrist is necessary.

Sonali Gupta is a clinical psychologist with 12 years of experience. She works with children, parents and young adults to enhance their emotional well-being.

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