Love the life you live, writes Priyanka Chaturvedi

When are you settling down?

This question often gets asked in India to anyone and everyone above the age of 18. In India, at 18, you don’t just come of voting age, but it also gives people older than you a license to ask the obnoxious nosey question, ‘Tum settle kab hoge?’

The ‘settling down’ could be wide ranging in scope — it could mean deciding on a career or getting a job, getting married, buying a home, a car, having a baby, etc — the list is endless. Most have a template reply to these pointed questions, ready in their head as well.

The beauty of this question also lies in the fact that even when you are 50, with several achievements under your belt, you may still not be ‘properly settled down’ in the eyes of the questioner. Are only women subjected to this?

No. Men face this ‘kab settle ho raha hai’ sawaal too. However, while for men it has more to do with their careers, for women it is almost always about marriage and making babies. It is like the pink and blue choices that we have already made for our children based on their gender at the start of their life. Similarly so, the undertone of the question depending on who it is addressed to.  

Also, by the way, zindagi may leave your saath but this sawaal will always be saath-saath. For a woman, it is a cycle after ‘settling’ by getting married. The next ‘settling’ target is for her to have a baby, her next ‘settling’ target then is to ‘complete her family’ by having another baby. Whenever I am asked how many kids I have and their gender, the next statement is nearly always, ‘Chalo family complete hai’. As if being single, married with no babies or same-gender babies somehow makes our life incomplete. 

So, it wasn’t surprising when a well-known news TV anchor/editor put this question of ‘settling down’ to a highly accomplished sportswoman. To be fair to him, he did apologise when he got a befitting reply to the question from the sassy lady. However, I wonder, would he have felt he had asked an out-of-the-way question to a woman if she would have not objected to the question. This ‘settling down’  is very inherent to our upbringing and at most times, we end up living up to someone’s expectations of what our roles should be, defined by the gender we belong to. 

Qandeel Baloch, a Pakistani model constantly challenging conservative societal norms, was killed by her brother because she “brought shame” to the family. While we were quick to point a finger at the ills in Pakistan, we refuse to look at our own backyard where (dis)honour killing is a stark reality. In fact, as I write this, I am extremely disturbed to read how a young boy from Navi Mumbai was lynched to death for daring to fall in love with a girl from the upper caste. A 21st century reality, we still grapple to come to terms with. 

What actually needs to ‘settle down’ and perhaps be buried for good, is our ideas of how others should lead their lives instead of concentrating on our own. Live the life you love, love the life you live.