Just the way I want it

I spent 28 years of my life not actively realizing that I could be attracted to women. I guess bisexual people sometimes get caught up in their exploration of the opposite sex: explorations that are well understood, the expected attractions pop culture talks about. At least, this is how it went for me. And this is my story of coming out: to myself, to my partner, to my friends, and to my family.

I was born and raised in Bangalore, and except for the four years I spent in a college town of Karnataka, and another four years of living in New York City, Bangalore is where I have lived and loved. From 15, all the way to 28, I have built relationships with the opposite sex: romantic ones with deep connections and great sex. You could call it serial monogamy, each one lasted two-four years on an average.

My partner in NYC was a wonderful, caring man that I was completely in love with. At this time, I started talking about my possible sexual attraction to women, and pursuing that in a threesome, since at the time I still couldn't imagine feeling romantically towards a woman.

I moved back to Bangalore and I fell in love. With a girl. It blew my mind. Memories rushed back — all those split moments where I had felt attraction to women and just never made conscious note of it. The signs were all there, from way back in my childhood. Yet conditioned to recognise only opposite sex attractions, they had all slipped my notice.

I had already attended a couple of Pride events in NYC and one in Bangalore, as an ally. My friends associated me with the Gay cause, and it was little surprise when I came out to them as bisexual and I found enough support to express and be myself. With cousins, it was a bit harder. One particular conversation with a protective male cousin was teary and emotional and involved talks of family honour. It was hurtful but ended in a hug, and has eventually brought us closer.

I came out to mum about two years ago. It was unplanned – I took advantage of some alone time we were spending while waiting for her doctor. I spit it out, and she was gracious about it. She voiced her concern about me settling down, she wondered aloud if a counsellor could help. I told her I didn't think of my bisexuality as a "problem" or "condition" and told her marriage was not necessary as I counted on deep friendships as a support system.

She took a little time, but eventually took care to remind me that I was loved, that she cared for my happiness, and that she and Dad are very proud of me for who I am. It was such a relief to hear what I had sort of expected would be the reaction, and to know that I had my parents' support.

I'm pretty certain Mom told Dad about our conversation. Yet, it seemed necessary for me to tell him myself. I came out to him about a month ago. It was mostly a political discussion, about rights, about fairness and equality, about choices of lifestyle and such. Not very personal, but thoughtful and compassionate. Just like Dad.

I am so grateful to be out and supported by those I love. The queer community is a great big loving family that I feel honoured to be a part of. My life is just as I would want it.