Juicehour with Vassudev

Host: Good evening folks. Welcome to our show ‘Juicehour’ where we bring you special interviews from special achievers. Today, we meet Mr Vasu who has been appointed as the head of NASA.

Vasu: Thank you. NASA wasted a lot of time working on the theories that have been proven in our country long back. Mr Trump appointed me as soon as I tweeted that I could reduce their budget by over 99 per cent. You see, we Indians already have all the science that we need in ancient texts. We will prove ancient Indian traditions like mangalsutra, science behind the infamous bindi, mysteries of gomutra, why Muslim women should exercise their free will and wear hijab even in high-temperature zones, etc.

Host: Well, Vasu..

Vasu: Kindly call me Vassudev. Numerology you see. We are planning to change NASA’s name to Numerology Astrology Sastra Administration.

Host: Okay, Vassudev, according to several shared messages, those are the areas where NASA is already working. But why not something Indian, like ISRO? Wouldn’t your critics say that you seek approval for your ancient beliefs from the West?

Vassudev: Where were those critics when ISRO publicly denied certain deeply held beliefs about the magnetic power of South Indian temples? And yes, the WhatsApp forwards are in fact the very foundation of our research.

Host: I noticed you mentioned astrology. Our viewers are eager to learn how this change will help them get better astrological predictions.

Vassudev: We will be launching the Namakaran Yojna mission to deploy several dozen probes that will monitor various planets. Our team will be able to go through these values to astrologically predict winners of elections, weather patterns, and so forth. Eventually, we will be able to eliminate the election process in all countries and use this data for everything ranging from prime minister/president appointments to arranging marriages.

Host: That’s impressive! Do you have a grand project in mind?

Vassudev: Yes. We are noticing an increase in the number of solar flares coming from the sun. By modifying the Hubble telescope to look into astrological sources of disruption, we are gaining insight into the problem. We are currently in the process of appointing scientists who are specialised in astrology, and in translating the ancient scripts. We have identified that we can control the stability of the solar system by renaming the planets with accurate names using numerology. Earth, for example, will be changed to Birth, to add peace. We are very sure that this project will be a tremendous success as it was started on a new moon Friday.

Host: Before we end the show, can you tell us how you will deal with non-astrological planets?

Vassudev: That process is needed to reduce crime, poverty, and cancer on earth. We will add Pluto to the list of planets as nine is a numerologically stronger number. Finally, we will be changing Neptune to ‘Naptune’, and adding a ‘yo’ before Uranus. We should do something similar to the name of your show.

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