India in 2049

Every year around this time newspapers and columnists start making their annual “look what amazing things happened this year OMG we’re going to miss it!” lists. It’s a good way to make people nostalgic and feeds into their need of spouting inanities about how quickly the year went by. These same lists can then be uploaded onto the newspaper’s website in the form of a pictorial slideshow to generate page views. I, dear reader, am not going to do that. Instead, I’m going to share with you an annual round-up of crucial events that rocked India in the year 2049.

India mourned the fall from grace of its one time anti-corruption icon Arvind Kejriwal. The New York Times, the world’s only publication now owned by Arindam Chaudhary’s son wrote a slew of op-eds titled ‘Discover the corrupt douchebag in you’ documenting his fall. Life, however, came full circle as a 70-year-old Gandhian activist went on hunger strike to reinvigorate the youth — MTV Roadies founder Raghu Ram.

The traditional caste system was finally abolished as the Indian parliament chose to replace it with Apples, Samsungs and Nokias. Tensions remained, however, as the Nokias complained of systemic discrimination and a lack of enough apps to become as successful as the Apples and Samsungs.

The women’s bill mandating at least 33% representation was finally passed in Parliament after the total number of Indian women dropped to less than 33% of the total population. It was confirmed that no woman would want to be in a room with an Indian man, which led to Section 377 of the IPC finally being quashed. The Parliament of India was also shifted from Delhi to the BCCI headquarters in Mumbai.

In an effort to promote tourism, the Yerawada prison was converted into a heritage hotel where Bollywood fans could experience the life of stars like Sanjay Dutt. Two nights, three days holiday packages were instituted to mimic Mr Dutt’s actual stay in the year 2013 with an added option of getting pictures taken with machine guns. For just $20 more, guests could also watch TEDx videos by various Bollywood celebrities on how to subvert the criminal justice system
Aston Martin’s were officially banned from being imported after a famous third generation industrialist mysteriously crashed his near Peddar Road.

Cricket was finally declared as the official sport of the country, thus taking away the only excuse hockey players had of wanting to be taken seriously. Each hockey player was given copies of the classic Bollywood hit Chak De India as compensation for their irrelevance. The Indian Penal Code was also amended to classify jokes on Sachin Tendulkar as inciting communal violence.

India suffered nationwide riots after lack of ajinomoto imports led to clashes between citizens over Chicken Manchurian. The United Nations adopted a resolution criticising China for deliberately interfering in its neighbours affairs to which China responded with ‘LOL’.

Here’s wishing you all a Happy New Year.