I can speak a good english, writes Sajid Khan

In school, I was the spelling Bee champion and also a smart alec. Not a great combination. I remember at the inter-school competition, the teacher asked me to spell Mississippi. I spelt it as M-R-S. S-I-P-P-Y.

I was dispatched from the competition faster than a ball hitting Gayle’s bat. She said that “I’m ashamed you don’t know Mississippi” and I said that “I’m ashamed that you don’t know M-R-S. S-I-P-P-Y, wife of the guy who made Sholay.” She got further enraged and told me, “You are punished” she said, “You will immediately go to the detention kaybin.” To which I said “M’am, I’ll go, but to the cabin not ‘kaybin’”, phir se pada mujhe Gayle ka chakka!

Cut to 20 years later (1999): I’m in New York, hosting a Bollywood awards nite, feeling incredibly excited that the next day is a holiday and I will finally be able to purchase my favourite film Alien on DVD. This heroine (she was a muse to a filmmaker who cast her in almost every film he made) told me, ‘I also love horror films and please get me also a DVD of Aalien.’ I was like ‘Aalien? Aalien?’

Then I was like “$24 dollars and 99 cents suggested retail price.” No way, Jose!!!

Next day she bumped into me at a lobby and said, ‘Why didn’t you get me my Aalien?’ and I said, I swear there was no movie like Aalien.’ She called me a kanjoos and walked off. The showman director who overheard our conversation asked me, “Tune jhooth kyu bola usko, maine aaj hi kharidi Aalien!!!!”

That’s what perplexed me and all night, I couldn’t sleep (that’s because I was at this strip club) thinking about this pronunciation. Ridley Scott got it wrong, the word is Aalien, so why are we calling it Alien??! And that’s exactly what I felt like when I heard illegal words like “You want another lap dance, hon? That’ll be $20  more!!!”

Sometimes, I think, is it our English teachers in school, our friends, families, neighbours, the kind of exposure to cinema, books, magazines or the lack of it. Is that what compresses our confidence to almost an average level when it comes to speaking English correctly.

I recently dated DT (dari hui tourist) aren’t they all??!? Believe you me, her English was not too great either as her had a foreign accent but took immense pleasure in pointing out vocabulary mistakes committed by us (i.e. Indians) She wasted no time in picking out faults, especially with cabbies who used to tell her, ‘Yes ma’am I will take you to Sirok Hottail’. But actually it was a case of the pot calling the kettle black because her English accent was no less, “Baby, will you FETCH ME AFTER MY PHESUN SOW PRECTISE? and I used to say, “Of course, baby, I love you, too” and thought in my mind, “the good days of English are went!!!”

The problem lies in the solution.

Unplanned pregnancies which are usually a problem but actually the problem was the solution!!!!! (nahi samjhe? Rent a copy of Vicky Donor) so in the same way, we Indians don’t pay much attention to the English we speak but there are many Indians in India and across the globe who speak English the way it’s supposed to be spoken and most of the times even better than the English.

So, the moral of the story — read more books, see more English movies with subtitles preferably and remember one more thing....

What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet unless you have a blocked nose!!!

But before I bid you adieu, do you want to know who the showman director was? Well I can just tell you, when I went to see Samantha Fox concert in Delhi during the early 90’s, he was the emcee who introduced her on stage by saying, “Ding dong Samantha sing a song!!”

Tweet to him @SimplySajidK