I am a qubit

That’s a strange way to start this piece on feminism, so let me explain. Normal computers have a bit that’s either a one or a zero, but quantum computers have qubits that are both one and zero at the same time. The reason I call myself a qubit is because as much as I think I am a one, there are times I have to be a zero. I am an openly feminist male who has been called a ‘cuck’ and a ‘white knight’ by male apologists, and also ‘sexist’ by a woman – because life is apparently only binary anymore.

Because I publicly stand up for women’s rights, and challenge a lot of misogyny, especially on Facebook, I’ve been called a few names by ‘manly men’. They’re usually effeminate names because these men actually believe feminine qualities to be bad enough to be used as insults! That’s really all you need to know about them, and they don’t bother me. In fact I quite enjoy pissing such men off.

It’s the time I was called sexist that still bothers me.

Around the time the Jyoti Singh gang rape case happened in Delhi, we had a couple of female interns working at Digit (the technology magazine I work at). Companies were super worried about their women employees, and we were no different. We normally work late into the night (or early morning) when sending the magazine to print, but I ordered the women to leave by 9 pm.

Why? Because although we could arrange for a radio taxi for the women, we could not arrange to have someone trustworthy accompany them home. If something were to happen to a woman leaving work at midnight, you can be sure that Indian laws would hold the company responsible for asking her to work late, and then not providing her safe transport home.

My job, obviously, required that I protect both the women’s, as well as the company’s interest; thus the 9 pm rule. This however did not go well with one of the women, who insisted that she be treated exactly as a man. If men were working late, why couldn’t she? When she finally realised that she wasn’t going to win her argument, she called me a sexist.

Personally, this is the biggest problem that I face as a feminist man in patriarchal India. I desperately want to be gender blind, especially at work, and I want women to have exactly the same choices as men in all aspects, but this just isn’t possible sometimes, as in this case. I have had to accept that I need to be a realist first and a feminist later. I wish I had some solution or five point plan that could solve this problem, but I don’t think anyone does. As a feminist, accepting that true equality in India is currently not possible is hard, but realising that you’re going to have to be patriarchal yourself sometimes because of ground realities, that’s harder still.

Speak up

If patriarchy is no party for you either, write to us at sexualitydna@gmail.com