How to enjoy the FIFA world cup

The greatest sporting tournament after the Olympics I.e. the FIFA World Cup is upon us and at this juncture I feel it is my duty to inform every Indian how to enjoy it in the best possible way.

Before watching a match make sure you have a conversation about how controversial the organisation of this year's World Cup has been. Talk about how a section of Brazilians was absolutely right in protesting against government corruption and the various scams that plagued the tournament but how 'the show must go on'. This will make people believe that you care about the average citizen's rights while still enjoying this global spectacle.

Please buy a team jersey to feel part of a larger group. The most common and easy jersey to buy is that of Brazil. Just like millions of kids who bought a Manchester United jersey because the team was successful, you too can revel in Brazil's football success by wearing garish yellow. Please remember to constantly keep saying "they're MY team" as if you have anything to do with their success.

Be the overenthusiastic guy who makes local pubs reservations on important match days. Showing initiative in wanting to goto bars that play Vengaboys' Brazil to feel relevant will show your friends that you really care about the sport and their collective experience of it. Also buy vuvuzelas to blow everytime someone scores a goal because who cares that it's a representative of South Africa.

While at the local pub, memorise the name of one of the star players so you can shout it everytime the team makes an exciting play. People around you might be enjoying their drink but your shouting "RIBERY!" while standing up will make them love your passion.

Make references to the FIFA video game through jokes. For example, if a player is running faster than the other on the field say "Aisa lag raha hai R2 dabaa ke khel raha hai". Other FIFA players will treat you with respect while the general public will be impressed at your multi-platform engagement with the game. Also make a reference to Indian football matches between East Bengal and Dempo because chances are no one else would have seen them anyway and you'll be able to get away with absolute lies while sounding smart.

Last but not least, please don't make fun of Novy Kapadia. Football rarely gets any coverage in our country and a World Cup is the one time he can get airtime and educate our people while looking sexy holding balls in extremely tight shorts.