Google asks him, writes Sajid Khan

According to me, there are three types of people in this world, one are the types who know quite a lot, but pretend as if they know all of it, two who know almost all of it but pretend that they know all of it, but the third are the ones who nothing. Zilch. If you give them an all-white Rubik’s cube, it will take an hour for them to solve it! 

But these are the people who for their lack of knowledge pretend they have lakhs of knowledge. For example, this friend of mine, whom we call Mr-Know-It-All, he knows everything about everybody, everything, every place, every event and he’s never wrong. At least in his head. Like, two years ago, we were like: So who’s going to win the elections? And he replied ‘Congress’. And then he gave us five reasons why Congress would win.

Eventually, when BJP won, he gave us 10 reasons why Congress didn’t win.

A month before the release of Fan, he told us the story which was completely inaccurate and when we told him this after seeing the film, that this wasn’t the story you told us, his answer was priceless. “They changed it in the last 30 days,” was his reply. 

Agle hafte dollar ka rate badhega ya girega? With the confidence of a 70-year-old man, who’s had four Viagras before sex, he told us ‘Girega’. When we asked him how’s he so sure, his answer was ‘So many visas are being rejected. Tourism is down, the Americans have no choice but to drop the rates of the dollar.’ Beautiful. 

You gotta love this guy and the best part about him is he doesn’t care whether he is right or wrong, he says it with such confidence that what he says is the penultimate truth. ‘When will Vijay Mallya come back?’ is what we asked him last month. He said that he would be back on April 15. Reason? Mid-April sees climate change in the UK and Vijay Mallya’s health condition will compel him to come back to the climate which is suitable for him: in India. Kamaal ka logic hai na? 

Recently, at a party, I introduced him to two other friends of mine who were planning to have a child. He says, “Main jaanta hoon”. I ask him how he knows this. He says the way the husband was looking at the wife at the party, was the same way a man would take care of his wife when she was pregnant. “Arre, but she is not pregnant yet”. To which he replies, “Woh practice kar raha hai.” 

Who will win the IPL this year? His instant reply was “Punjab”. When we told him Punjab is at the bottom at the points table and it’s very very difficult for them to win, he replied, “I have got Punjabi blood in me, bro!” How? “You are a Gujju”, I told him, “And your mom and dad are both Gujaratis”. He replied “Three years ago, when I met with an accident and it was a Punjabi gentleman who gave me two bottles of blood!” 

That’s it! I don’t know about you guys, but I have just about had it. That joke wasn’t even funny. And you are still reading this. No problem, you asked for it.

In everyone’s lives, there’s always a friend or a relative who’s like this guy. You can call them TWA… Taangon Waala Abdul (remember Abdul from Shaan? Jo sabki khabar rakhta tha) Or you can call them Mr Google Asks Him. But such friends are important as they bring entertainment value. The moment you take them seriously, you are screwed. And by the way, I just called him up and I told him that  I am writing my next column about him and he replied, “Main jaanta hoon.”