First world problems

I really admire Vishwanathan Anand. Not for whatever he’s achieved in life but because I cannot begin to comprehend what it must feel like to be taken for granted by a billion people despite being the best in the world at your sport. This week as all of us choked up at watching Sachin’s heart-breaking retirement speech at the Wankhede, he was slogging away in front of a gigantic Jayalalitha banner trying to save his world championship crown. Maybe we’re not smart enough; maybe the only time we’re interested in Indians beating Russians is if it happens in Goa.

Whatever the reason, chess has never been a popular spectator sport. The only time we’ve seen it being played in pop culture is Kamesh Mahadevan and Raj in Shanti or in some shoddy Mughal period drama where loud background music accompanies the word “shatranj!”

It is not surprising then that the ____ is also looking at creating an “IPL like model” for chess. I don’t know when an “IPL like model” became a Crocin for whenever you have a fever equivalent but I’m not sure how much it will help chess.

Can you imagine what an Indian Chess League would be like? Just like the IPL, all the teams will have sexy names with reference to their heritage so they can be more marketable. The only difference being all of them would be from South India since that’s mostly where the game is played. I cannot wait to see the Ooty Honeymooners playing the Pondicherry Pornos or the Koodankulam Fissionistas battling it out against the Sivakasi Crackerjacks. Instead of foreigners one person from Haryana would be allowed in each team. Pitbull and Priyanka Chopra’s lip singing at the opening ceremony would be replaced by a Carnatic music concert with a special lighting of the lamp by the local MLA.

Action replays would be impossible because you can watch an entire Ashutosh Gowariker film by the time a chess player makes one move. Commentators will thus be forced to sound excited by saying things like “That king and queen remind me of Manmohan and Sonia. The former can only take one step but Sonia can go wherever” or “Oh my god that pawn killed the elephant like Bheem killed Ashwathama this is amazing”. Some moves will also have integrated brand plugs like “That castling was brought to you by Raheja Developers. Now buy your own castle by calling Raheja Properties at 1800-THIS-IS-A-SHIT-SPORT”. Finally, when all else fails the press would try and add sleaze to the sport by doing stories like “Anand seen with two girls after the match” but would later be refuted as it would turn out to be his family.

It makes me sad everytime I think about the Anand – Carlsen game. I’m not even a follower of the game but while we’ve been focussed on Sachin it’s probably the end of an era of another one of our greats. After him, who? Maybe the Indian Chess League will bring us closer to some of our future greats. Here’s hoping, but I’m not keeping my fingers crossed.