Feeding the sex-starved marriage

I first came across the word sex-starved in innocent times, and in a book by an author one didn’t expect to mention the word ‘sex’ at all. After all, the word was probably a four letter word in her day. In her book, At Wit’s End, Erma Bombeck speaks about Aunt Lydia who, one fine day, upped and ran away with a vanilla salesman. In telling us why Aunt Lydia had probably gathered her nerve, her nerve elixir, and her overnight valise, Bombeck tells us that “Uncle Wally probably pecked her on the cheek with all the affection of a sex-starved cobra,” on his way out of the door that morning. Bombeck knew, and she gently put it, that a marriage that would have ‘sex-starved’ as a casual part of its shortcomings had little chance of making it through the war zone of teething and the terrible twos, and emerging unscathed.

“How often do you guys do it?” goes the innocuous question, when a group of women commune over a brunch. “Thrice,” says one. “A week?” asks another. “No, a day,” replies the first. There is a strained silence broken by one who sighs deeply before speaking, “We are perhaps once a year. Or twice. I can’t remember.”

In the early years of parenthood sex is the first casualty. The next few years whiz past in a haze of feeding, colic and diaper changes and sex, well that’s so far from your mind you wonder that perhaps, the offspring was the result of immaculate conception. We live out the early years of parenthood, our sexual escapades subject to the nap times and sleep cycles of little tyrants who take over our beds, with arms flung over us that we dare not dislodge for the fear of them waking up.

Sometimes, Mr Sperm and Miss Egg meet again, and then there is offspring number two which makes the entire cycle go on rinse and repeat for the next couple of years. By the time the assorted offspring are potty trained, out of pull ups and into their own rooms, the mojo has taken a long hike, like Forrest Gump, and well on its way to the point of no return before we even realize we have to send out the constabulary to find its remains.

It seems to be a growing cultural phenomenon, one that self-help guru Dr Phil calls “an undeniable epidemic.” The sexless marriage. Or the sex-starved marriage, if you would, where one partner wants sex more than the other. According to statistics, around 15 to 20 per cent of couples have sex not more than 10 times a year. And that is the definition of a sexless marriage. Research says one in three marriages have a sexual desire gap. The lack of interest in sex could come from either partner. The causes could range from a lack of interest in the partner, or sex, to a drifting apart at every level. In a sex-starved marriage, the gap in desire between the two partners, eventually, like all gaps which don’t get filled leads to a distance which could place it at risk of infidelity, or divorce. The spouse who says no has the veto power, and like any situation with a veto power, the marriage could just become a powder keg of hurts, leading to war, either of the cold variety or the one with full ammunition blazing.

The myth that one needs to be consumed by desire to have sex in a relationship needs to be re-examined. As unromantic as it may sound, scheduling sex could be a relationship saver in such cases. As also, considering couples therapy. After all, starvation of any kind, can never be good. Whether for the body or for a marriage.

Kiran Manral is the author of six published books across genres. She is also a recovering Nutella addict.

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