Don’t let there be a question mark on trust: Dr Jyoti Sangle

Is technology coming in the way of your relationship? Psychotherapist Dr Jyoti Sangle, Dr LH Hiranandani Hospital, helps you deal with online problems affecting your offline life.

My husband seems married to his Blackberry more than to me. No matter where we are or what we’re doing, if his Blackberry makes even a peep, I can expect him to be lost in it for the next 10 minutes. If I ask him to turn it off, he becomes so restless, I begin to wonder if he’s getting messages from another woman. I don’t want to start doubting my husband, but how do I make him change his behaviour?
The first step would be to have an open discussion with your spouse and express how strongly you feel about it. You could try defining a particular period of togetherness (eg dinnertime or the night walk time or tea time) when the Blackberry will not be attended to. You might also have to give in a bit but the effort should come from both partners.  An open discussion will help sustain trust which is the foundation for any relationship.

My fiance is a complete extrovert and to make matters worse, a Facebook addict. Whether we’re going for a movie or eating out, she updates all her 500 FB friends about it. Inevitably, somebody or the other ends up joining us. I don’t remember the last time we had a quiet meal alone. If we have an argument, she airs her feelings on Facebook and sometimes even ends up telling the world about our problems. I feel our privacy is being invaded. How do I tell her that some things should be just between us?
The first step would be to express the same to her and make her aware of your sentiments. Also, it would be worth exploring whether any kind of fear or insecurity makes her apprehensive about being alone with you. The importance and need of keeping a few things private need to be emphasised to her. It would be worth considering the possibility of her being addicted to Facebook, which could warrant therapy. Infuse in her the confidence that you can be her confidant and will always be there for her, even during trying times. Her need for others will automatically lessen.

My girlfriend has lots of online friends, mostly guys. She’s been friends with them for years, so I can’t expect her to give up on them because of me. At the same time, although she insists that they’re just friends, how can I trust their feelings towards her? One of these friends will be in town next week and she’s planning to meet him. I’m not comfortable with this. How do I tell her that without curbing her freedom to do what she wants?
You could discuss your apprehensions/doubts surrounding these relations with her. You could tell her you would appreciate complete openness about the same but at the same time, express your limitations. It would be best to be absolutely open rather than this becoming a bone of contention after your relationship grows. At the same time, it is important to note that a relationship will flourish only if there is complete trust between partners. A question mark on TRUST is the beginning of the end of a relationship.

Have any issues you’d like addressed in this column? Email us your questions to cityspice@dnaindia.net