Breasts are teapots to me

It was 2004 and every pre-pubescent man, child and man-child of India was obsessing over Mallika Sherawat’s heaving bosom in Murder. It was female sexuality glorified on the silver screen. For any boy crossing over into manhood, the timing of the movie couldn’t have been more perfect.

But it wasn’t Mallika who brought on my sexual awakening. It was Emraan Hashmi — the awkward new hero who was undressing her. There you have it: If you’re gay, not even a perfectly timed, oversexed Mallika Sherawat movie can change anything.

So I am really amused when I come out to someone and after they are done acting cool about it, their inner conservative takes the lead and reluctantly asks, “but how can you not be attracted to breasts?” On a normal day, I say, “I’m just not!” and on a particularly frustrating day, I say, “The same way you are not attracted to teapots.”

Why is it so difficult to understand that certain people aren’t sexually interested in certain things irrespective of their gender? 

Even India’s best-selling author Chetan Bhagat has foolishly tweeted that he can’t understand how gay men aren’t attracted to a “cute girl with dimples.” Okay, a) boys have dimples too. And b) Does he know how homosexuality works?

Based on the number of times I’ve had these questions thrown my way, I’d say Mr Bhagat represents a vast majority of people who want to accept a different sexual orientation without understanding it. It’s like the time when my friend’s drunk room mate said, “Will you not get aroused even if a girl were naked in front of you?” Simple answer: No. Complicated answer: I wouldn’t be turned on even if a man was naked in front of me because I’m a socially awkward introvert who would first look away and then think of throwing a towel on said naked person.

So, no, breasts don’t turn me on. Cute girls with dimples don’t turn me on. Mallika Sherawat coming out of the ocean in a bikini doesn’t turn me on. 

To a gay person, the opposite sex is the same as the same sex is to a straight person. I look at girls the same way straight guys look at straight guys: non-sexual companions who make for good sounding boards for selecting partners and are fun to go drinking with. Besides, I wonder whether straight people ever stop and think that we think the same way about them. 

To me, a gay man, the idea of a man getting attracted to a woman is equally bewildering. How does it even happen? Logically, the people with the same body parts as you should be best equipped to give you maximum pleasure, right? But gay people are far more tolerant about different sexual orientations. We’ve been fitting in for ages and we’ll continue to do so. Just don’t ask us, “Who is the man in the relationship,” when we come out to you, okay?

(The writer is a 28-year-old management consultant living in Delhi)

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