Coming Out | A long wait, writes Vivek Tejuja

Coming out, for every gay person, means something different and personal. But at some point, no matter how different our circumstances, social strata or reasons for coming out are, we can all converge and relate.

My experience of coming out, so to say, was not as peppered with the usual Bollywood drama as it is assumed. But it wasn’t smooth either. There was objection and there was unnecessary hate, but I did not flinch. Not that I was strong or am strong as I write this, but at some point, you have to grow a pair and stand by what you believe in.

Being gay is not me. It is a part of me. It didn’t define me then, it doesn’t define me now. Maybe that’s why coming out wasn’t such a big deal to me. First, I had to be comfortable in my own skin to be able to ‘come out’ to others.

At a very granular level, I also have a problem with the words ‘coming out’. Who am I coming out to? What am I coming out with? Why do I need to come out?

I was 18 when I disclosed my orientation to my loved ones. In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t rushed in. I wish I had waited. I suppose things would’ve been different if I had. My cousins wouldn’t have judged and thereby hated me that soon. Perhaps if I’d let some years pass, waited for myself and them to grow up, they would have seen the world with a different perspective and probably understood me a little better. As time passed by, my parents would have seen me evolve into someone better or worse and known. My sibling would support (I have a problem with this but that is for a later time) anyway.

In hindsight, I should have waited. Maybe life would have been led a little more peacefully. There would have been no visits to the therapist’s office. My uncle would not have remarked that I should be taken to a brothel to see if I get a hard-on or not. My aunt would not have shown her disgust. My friends would not have taken a step back and forgotten about me. It would have been a regular life.

At the same time, coming out helped me, personally, in a tremendous way. It made me see the world differently. There was a weight off my chest and suddenly I did not need validation or love from outside. I have realised that we are stronger than what we give ourselves credit for. Some solidarity would have been nice for sure but it wasn’t a mandate. There were tears and abuses and some more tears. But with time, all of it subsided and everything seemed okay again.

Some 15 years have passed since then. Today, my mother speaks of me having a stable partner (male, of course). It’s been a journey of coming out and waiting for things to settle. It has been a long wait for sure, but it helped us get to this space.

(Vivek Tejuja is a 34-year-old bibliophile living in Mumbai. His first book will be out this October with Penguin Random House)