Outing a 'partially' closeted person is not your secret to tell

I've always considered it lucky to have lived in two very different cities. My journey in unearthing my sexuality has been shaped through the almira that Mumbaikars put me in, and the built-in closets commonly found in Bengaluru.

Growing up in a close-knit Catholic family in Mumbai left me very little room to unearth my sexuality. The looming threat of prying aunties who loved to pay my grandmother tea-time visits with the daily neighborhood scoop added to my constant fear of being discovered. Studying in an all boys school, where bullying at any sign of 'effeminate' behaviour was common, pushed me into an internal homophobic mentality. Before speaking or moving, I would let my actions pass the 'gay test' in my head. Even after this process of self-conditioning, I was perceived as gay. It ripped me inside and took me back to the drawing board. I eventually just settled into being shy and quiet because it helped me ignore this part of me that I knew everyone around me suspected and scorned.

I decided to move to Bengaluru to start college. The city of strangers liberated me; no longer did I have to worry about how my actions would reflect on the social status of my family. I began to slowly come out to my friends – mainly girls because I sensed they were more receptive. However, coming out to friends was at times hilarious and heartbreaking. Once confiding in a friend at a crowded restaurant she screamed in disbelief, 'You are gay!' She had outed me in front of the entire restaurant. By the final year of my Masters degree, everyone in my social circle was aware of my sexuality.

Yet, it was only after joining an MNC that I realised the process of coming out in a corporate environment would be completely different. Fresh off from college I told my colleagues, a group of six women, that I was gay so as to avoid side-stepping any prying conversations. A year after I joined the company, my team expanded. Seeing as how I had been open about my sexuality, these women took the liberty of outing me to my new male colleagues in a game of Truth or Dare. This was one of my biggest pet peeves. I realised I was not comfortable with others outing me. For me, this was a process I had come to cherish over the years, by confiding in people I trust.

It was a method I developed on my own and it filled me with pride. However, for some reason, when confronted with my new male colleagues about my sexuality, I immediately resorted to the old technique of pretending that I wasn't gay. This may have to do with the fact that every straight male I meet thinks I only want to get into his pants.

Someone once told me that being closeted was the worst thing ever. But I discovered as I was growing up, I was so secure in my dual life (being 'hetero' with my family in Mumbai and gay in Bangalore) it was easy to compartmentalise my true identity that only now do I realise how much I loathed this secrecy.

Though I am not completely out of this imaginary closet, I consider the people who I share my secret with as important. This is not everyone else's secret to tell as I always want those I confide in to see me as a complete person and not the boy with two faces.

*Name changed to protect identity