FIRST PERSON: You are not alone there, reach out for help

Sadness is a natural emotion. The reasons are aplenty. Our problem starts when sadness lasts long. When it becomes a part of us. We know it will help to open up, but we cannot. Many suffer in silence. Others kill themselves. Some fight and survive.

I have battled depression, with both brief and prolonged interruptions over the years. As a child, I sobbed in isolation. Some found me 'cute' because of my 'grumpy' face. The common diagnosis was 'stomach ache'. It was the gut that crunched. I could somehow sleep. But when I woke up, I had to face the same demons. I prayed for relief, but in vain.

During my teenage years, I continued to struggle with the pitch dark weather inside me. Bottling up didn't help even when the sun was out in full force. In winter, I covered my face with a muffler. In summer, I tried using my father's shaving razor, in the hope that it would help grow a moustache faster. Fair-skinned boys without moustache were routinely molested in school. By boys. Facial hair growth took its time. That I grew tall rapidly saved me from further sexual harassment.

Warring parents and family violence did not help either. Those around me did not recognise what was happening. They thought it was an attitude problem that I could easily shake off. But I was at the mercy of my own mind, which in the case of depression is a deep, dark den with a musky smell where I was held captive by the active gymnastics of morose thoughts. Depression honours no calendar. It arrives and exits when it has to.

In my early adulthood years, it was laborious to wear the mask of 'all is well' and go about what was required of me in the world. Work was an elixir that guaranteed temporary relief. When I was in Patna, I discussed my mental health with a doctor for the first time. He prescribed some drugs, but said that they could only help me sleep and not fix my problems; I had to pick myself up. "A depressed mind is like a sieve. It lets only negative thoughts in. Try to change it. There's so much good happening to you," he said. But I wasn't looking for a prescription that had daily doses of steely demeanour.

I tried jogging in Patna's Gandhi Maidan. A colleague asked me to do some puja-paath. I thought I would stay miserable forever. But, despite the threatening clouds over me, I always managed to carry on with filial and social responsibilities. I cooked, met people over extended lunches and dinners where we talked about politics, life, films… Even as I chattered and laughed with everyone, the sneaky monster inside kept whispering in my ears.

I did think of ending it all, a few times. Over the years, the 'division' within me kept growing. And it was only apt that 'Oneness' University manifested itself in my life. I didn't go seeking it; it chose me to be sheltered under its care through a friend. I was asked to maintain a black book in which I poured out all the toxicity. Gradually, I moved on to writing prayer and gratitude notes.

Prayer helped me connect with a higher energy and feel protected, and gratitude made me see what I have, instead of focussing on what I didn't. A transformation started. The darkness inside is now being filled with light. This is just the tip of the iceberg that I have been experiencing even without visiting the campus or attending any of the 'Oneness' workshops. When I get a chance to scrape a little more, I am sure the iceberg would melt within me and heal me completely.

Mental illness is an epidemic. It does not discriminate. We must share experiences and break taboos. The message to those suffering from it is: you're not alone. Don't hide, suppress. Feel what you feel. Seek help. Cry if you want. The pain and sorrow will end. We must remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending. A before and after is possible. I found my 'Oneness'. Let's look for yours...

(The writer is Associate Editor with DNA)