Confessions of a dog-hater living in a canine-loving world

For the last few days, social media seems to have gone to the dogs, quite literally. It seemed like the only thing people could talk about (other than the driver who wasn't let into Mocambo) was the amazing tale of a girl who pulled a Yudhisthira and chose a dog over an arranged marriage.

The young lady was hailed as the greatest feminist hope of the 21^st Century, the Germaine Greer of our times. Now I have no problem with arranged marriages breaking up, those bizarre social customs where you pick a mate based on the circumstances of their birth, the school they went to and how much money they make. But I did feel a tad uncomfortable seeing the eagerness with which we jumped in to give our opinion on a Whatsapp conversation which was shared without permission. 

And it made me ruminate about the elevated position the four-legged canine occupies in our world. 

Dogs have been around since the dawn of time, man’s erstwhile best friend, the first animals we domesticated, which must have been really awesome for the first wolf that became home-bound. Rufus (let’s give him a name) probably had a delightful time explaining to his pack why he was sleeping with two-legged animals rather than running around in the wild. I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Pack: Why don’t you come around to hunt with us anymore?
Rufus: Ummm, so this two-legged being gives me food.

Pack: He does what? He gives you food? And what do you do for him?

Rufus: Well I just pretend to bark at things from time to time and he thinks I am protecting him. And he even pats me all day long and gets rid of ticks!

Pack: Wow, you’re a genius!

Even our myths are replete with tales of dogs, the most famous being Yudhisthira’s companion on the last walk when all his brothers and wife died en route because they were not worthy. When Indra said that Yudhisthira would have to abandon the dog to enter heaven, Yudhisthira proved he was a total stand-up bro as he chose the dog over infinite happy time in heaven. Turns out that the dog was Dharma (honestly there’s no single English word that captures the essence of what dharma means), and was a test that Yudhisthira passed with flying colours.

My opinion on dogs makes me a pariah, in this day and age where not liking dogs is one level below being a misogynist or a paedophile. As Chandler Bing put it in Friends all those years ago: “They are needy, they are jumpy and you can't tell what they are thinking and that scares me a little bit.” I imagine the reader’s reaction by now is the same as Chandler’s buddies.

I've now come to believe that dog lovers are more zealous than religious fundamentalists. In fact, when you criticise one religion, at least you have people from other religions backing you for the sake of it, but when you criticise dog-love you stand alone. I mean, I'm not a psychopath who will throw them off roofs or tie crackers around them, but I really don’t like those flea-bags around me. And while I was largely indifferent to dogs earlier, the sheer over-adulation of canine lovers makes me see red. It’s like seeing ‘Everyone knows Asaram Bapuji is innocent’ hashtags all the time and hating Bapuji even more.

My hatred for dogs is based on experience. I don't like dogs because they will lick everything in sight and won’t even let you sleep in peace in the morning. They need special food, they need to be taken to vets and they need someone to take care of them, call me crazy but I think there’s a better use for human life than having someone around to feed your pet! And they bite. I am sorry, but they bite. Ask Raj Thackeray’s wife Sharmila who needed to get 65 stitches on her face. My aversion is exacerbated by the dog lovers' constant refrain that I would fall in love if I petted the dog. No, I don't want to pet the dog, I don't want to play with it, I don't want its fur on my clothes. Get it? 

And my biggest pet peeve, is when dog owners start comparing dogs to human children. The other day I was perplexed when one friend complained about ‘How inhuman people were, leaving their kids tied up in the hot sun’. I am sorry, a dog is not your kid. They are a different species, as evidenced by their DNA sequence. They won’t talk back to you or allow you to live your dreams through it. They're not going to crack IIT so you can gloat to your better paid neighbours how well you raised your child. They're not going to marry someone you chose, so you can flaunt how you got them married into a rich family. I assume some children bite as well, but that doesn't result in rabies.

My disdain increases even more over the grand hypocrisy over eating dog meat, as the Western world (and those who blindly imbibe its values) went full White Man’s Burden over the Yulin Dog Meat Festival in 2015. While I understand the arguments of vegan peaceniks, it’s hypocritical to see people who happily eat bacon, beef, fish or chicken demanding a certain group of people to change their culinary habits based on their perceptions of right and wrong. 

Some sugar-coated their argument by saying that it’s the brutal treatment of dogs that’s the problem and not eating it per se. Well, I’d hate to break it to them, but all animals cultivated for food are treated brutally, from lobsters to chickens to pigs. If you are going to preach ahimsa, then preach it equally for all higher functioning organisms, not just dogs. You don’t get to pick and choose who you feel sorry for. I am sure there are cultures around the world where turkeys, chickens or pigs are raised as pets and we can’t turn around and say don’t eat them.

Closer home, even the SC got into the dog conversation over the debate about strays in Kerala. The bench said: “Compassion should be shown towards stray dogs but in the meantime, these animals cannot be allowed to become a menace to the society. A balance needs to be created for dealing with such situation.” The SC’s observation or one from 2015 that angered animal lovers, saying stray dogs can be killed if they are violent, reiterates the point that a dog’s life is not equal to a human life. The keyword here is balance, one that is absolutely missing from the conversation around dogs.

As for the Whatsapp conversation that got leaked, I’d say it’s wrong to vilify the guy. Even if his ‘Get married to the dog’ reply was rude, having a dog around 24/7 is a huge leap of faith, a commitment that even dog-lovers might find a bridge too far. Vilifying a guy, just because he doesn’t like dogs, is just the modern-day social media version of witch-burning for a person who doesn’t share the same value systems as yours.