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ShareBangalore: "It was such a happy evening. I was back from school, playing with friends outside my house. In the distance, I saw a man being carried by two others. My heart began to race and I prayed desperately. My prayers, like almost always, were never answered," 23-year-old Sheetal sadly narrates an evening when her father had passed out drunk, a memory she can't seem to get out her head. Mulling a bit more, she adds, "Having an alcoholic father can be heartbreaking, it's a very strange place to be. You never know how to react when the man you look up to the most doesn't seem to know what he's doing."
Thomas, a dad who has been sober for 12 years now, post attending AA meetings, says he still weeps sometimes when he thinks about how his addiction affected his eldest son. "My eldest was about 13 when my drinking got out of hand, I would come home completely sloshed. I usually turn violent when I am drunk, so I would come home screaming, pound the door as hard as possible, throw things around and create a scene. Although my son would pretend to be studying, he was always terrified, looking at me from the corner of his eyes." Thomas, in regret, says that those drunken years have scarred his son for life, "No matter how much I tell him to not be afraid of me, it's something he learnt when he was younger." Although his son was bright, he never had a peaceful environment to study in, he admits.
Unlike Thomas, Ravi a recovered alcoholic says he tried as far as possible not to let his drinking habits affect his son. But he does feel that the 'disease' can sometimes isolate one from relationships.
Following AA's eighth and ninth step of recovery, which is about making amends with people in one's life, Ravi says he had to first forgive himself and then ask his sons for forgiveness to make for the time lost: "My youngest son had never seen me sober for years and my first son, who I was reunited with for the first time recently, has only seen me sober. Asking for forgiveness took a lot of humility."
Aditya, a 26-year-old who grew up with an alcoholic father says he has had his share of rather grim years. "There are times when, as a child, you feel like you have the worst life, you feel completely alone. Since my dad had a drinking problem, I had to act grown up and assume responsibilities though I was just in school. You can't have friends over and there's always a fear that your dad may embarrass you in public." But Aditya says what helped him get over the resentment and anger he felt towards his dad, is realising that he needed as much help as his father. He says that he started attending Al-Anon, a support group for friends and families of AA members which taught that alcoholism is a 'family disease'.
According to him, children with alcoholic dads do carry insecurities and fears of their experiences for life, unless they consciously deal with their emotions. "The meetings taught me to relive my past and then let go of it." Asked about his equation with his dad now, he confidently adds, "All I have for him is love."
(All names have been changed)
Al-Anon is a support group for friends and families of Alcoholics. Contact: 9980027958
TO my DADDY
I wish you were sober just for a moment
That you wouldn't look at me, lost like a child
That my words would reach your heart before I swallow them
That you wouldn't be the unbalanced silhouette in the sunset
That you would see our dog beaten by the summer heat
That you would smile when you see him prance around you like a child
That you would see our garden blossom in the spring
The gooseberries, the drumsticks and the lovely jasmine pearls
That you would wake up to see the day clearly as it is
Full of hope, chances and everything you dreamed of
That the beauty around you would be something you understand
That you would see us cry in the hopelessness you drown in
That you would weep for the years you never saw us grow
That you would see your daughters praying in the dark
That you would hear the dead urging you from their graves
That when life passes you by, you'd be glad you lived
I wish that you'd be sober just for a moment....
--Poem written by a girl to her dad
