Is getting back with your ex a good idea?

You were inseparable at one point in time and deeply in love with each other. Life without the other was unthinkable. Everything was rosy while you strolled down the beach holding hands lost in love, spent romantic nights cuddled in each other’s arms. Your partner’s smile was enough to melt your heart; it meant the world to you. But things weren’t the same and slowly bitterness crept in as if an invisible serpent had spread its venom between you two making things take its turn for worse. But as they say time is the best healer and it heals the heart even before you know it for you to look at life with love and affection once again.

So are you ready to reconnect, rekindle and revive your lost love ?

It’s wise to be cautious here, because love is as sensitive as a rose and as painful as its thorns, when it betrays your expectations. ‘Reconnecting with your ex could be tricky. Remember what failed to work before could be a barrier in your relationship even now. Moreover, you have moved on and so have your expectations. It is better to have a realistic approach when you try to reach your lost love,’ says Malti Bhojwani, Life Coach, India.

So, shouldn’t you give your lost love a second chance?

‘We humans are an optimistic breed when it comes to love, life or anything for that matter. We prefer to give a second chance rather than putting things to the back of our mind, especially if there is lingering affection and love left,’ says Syeda Ruksheda, family psychiatrist and psychotherapist, Mumbai. However, when it comes to connecting with the ex, it’s better to be cautious.

How do you know that your ex is your right partner?

Nobody gets a perfect partner to live with, but if you think that going back to your ex despite the imperfections is the right thing to do, here are things you should take account of:

Know about your emotions deeply: Ask yourself why exactly you want to go back to your ex. Is it because you couldn’t find yourself a better partner? ‘Desperation is one thing that will make you think more of the good times you spent together than the bitter moments. So be sure what you want out of it,’ advises Ruksheda.

Weigh your pros and cons: ‘Remember today you are more mature and different from what you have been during your days with your ex. The same applies for the other person too. Maybe you both know how to set up realistic expectations in love or probably your rebuild ego can yearn for unrealistic expectations from each other. So be cautious, treat this as a new experience and don’t have preconceived notions about your ex. Remember, self love is most important. Don’t settle for the ex with whom things didn’t work out for real reasons just from the fear of being alone,’ says Malti.

Be true to yourself: Be brutally honest with yourself when you think of love. ‘Ask yourself if you are able to think of your past relationship without a tinge of anger, hatred and frustration. Or do you feel pity and are guilt ridden because you hurt him/her when you broke up? Instead, if on introspection you think that you have learnt from your mistakes and can undo them or add more value to your relationship, with the wisdom you gained over the years, then it is better to rekindle lost love,’ says Ruksheda.

When should you not go back to your ex?

While it might seem great to get back to your ex and rekindle lost love but there are times when keeping away would be better.

If you had been in a abusive relationship: ‘If you broke up after struggling a lot in the relationship and have been subjected to mistrust over money, infidelity, social abuse, emotional and physical violence, it is better and appropriate that you don’t look back, for whatever reason it might be,’ says Ruksheda.

The relationship is stressful: ‘If even after reconciling and rekindling the romance the relationship calls for more time and space and is taking a toll on your mental and emotional health it is an alarming sign that it’s not worth investing your energies into the relationship,’ says Ruksheda.

It is a call of desperation: If you want to get back to your ex because you are lonely, feel cheated and jealous on your ex then get counselled or help to save yourself from falling prey to another relationship which doesn’t hold any love for you and is based on all negative emotions.

If your feelings are mixed up: ‘It is possible that you think of your ex or all the good times when your visit a particular cafe or listen to romantic songs, this might make you feel that there is still love left. But soon those feelings gets blurred when you’re reminded of the bitter moments of your break-up. You are definitely not over the rejection and break-up yet, stay away from reconciling to save yourself from another heartbreak,’ says Malti.

If you are already into a relationship: ‘If you are already in a happy relationship, then reconnecting with your ex may not be a good idea as you could make your present partner insecure and it won’t be worth it. Remember you both have changed since your time apart! You probably won’t like each other as much anymore,’ says Malti.

Originally published on www.thehealthsite.com