How I dealt with a taboo known as depression...

When I look back at myself four years from now, I cannot point out the exact day or event that triggered it all. My symptoms began with an anxiety disorder, followed by panic attacks and black outs, eventually leading to depression.

Anxiety did not give me a chance. I was caught unaware. Over a period of a few months, I developed many issues such as breathlessness, palpitations, sleeplessness, indigestion, aches and pains in different parts of my body, especially arms and back. I also suffered from loss of appetite. I kept pushing forward; somehow, trying to drift from one day to another, but with each passing day things got worse.

I always had a ‘worry bug’. But who does not worry? Experts say mental illnesses are often intricately linked to bodily symptoms. A feeling of being ‘low’ always accompanied my physical symptoms. I tried my best to ignore it, keep it aside and carry on with life but it persisted.

As life went on, feeling low was an ever-present pattern. Until one day, when life came to a grinding halt. It was as if I had been sucked into a vortex of fear, paranoia, despair, and darkness. In the days to follow, I would feel too low to do anything. There were days when I struggled to get out of my bed. The worst parts were the sudden yet acute phases where I would be breathless, dizzy, in pain, with my mind shut, and thoughts of fear of death gripping me. These were panic attacks. They kept getting worse and more frequent with time.

To add to my troubles, there were secondary problems like insomnia, bad stomach, and mysterious body aches.

Nights were especially difficult. There would be nothing to distract me from my fears, gloomy thoughts would loom large, and symptoms were debilitating.

My initial strategy wasn’t much of a strategy and it involved me telling myself that it was just another bad day and that this too shall pass. But it did not. I refused to pick up the signals my body was sending out. A couple of times, I reported to emergency rooms complaining of severe pain in the chest and limb extremities. Ironically, all my tests and scans were normal. I had no physical ailment.

Once I accepted the truth, I went after it with all I had. I made lifestyle changes, moved in with my parents, found myself a reliable and understanding mental health practitioner. Above all, I began to focus on positivity and mindfulness with a fervour. I found support in family and friends. It did not take much time from there on.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression. According to my doctor, the anxiety and panic attacks were forerunners of depression.

Symptoms, onset and effects of a mental illness vary from person to person; so does the prognosis and time taken for recovery. It is best to contact a mental health practitioner, a psychiatrist or a therapist for aid. My recovery was a combination of medication and lifestyle modification.

It took me awfully long to come to terms with my illness and share it with my family. When it comes to mental illness taboos and prejudices, misinformation is galore. As a society, we need to raise awareness and understand that mental illness is just like any other. It needs to be cured not stigmatised.