'Gods of Egypt' review: Strictly for Gerard Butler and Jaime Lannister fans

Film: Gods of Egypt
Director: Alex Proyas
Cast: Gerard Butler, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Elodie Yung, Brenton Thwaites, Courtney Eaton
Rating: **

You've got to hate it when a movie is released in 3-D predominantly (and the 2-D option is several miles away). When the screen is so darkly lit that watching said movie gives you a headache. But work is work. So here goes...

As you might imagine (or seen in the trailer), this is a movie about Game of Thrones. No, really! It even stars Nikolaj who plays Jamie Lannister aka Kingslayer on GoT as Horus. Except somebody else is doing the slaying here. No surprise there, but good-guy Gerard Butler (why is he hiding those six-pack abs?) is the man with a plan and the villain, Set.

Long story short. Ra, the sun god (Geoffrey Rush) has two kids Set and Osiris. Osiris rules justly and wisely as king of Egypt and is about to crown his son Horus as his successor when, in the shortest coup possible, Set stabs him, blinds his son, usurps his throne and makes slaves of the Egyptians. He then proceeds to rebuild Egypt. If that sounds familiar and you think Cecil B DeMille is rolling in some grave at this very Moses-like story, you'll also be surprised to know that this is a film about being strong in faith. Except, this story is not Biblical but more Clash of The Titans meets Exodus: Gods And Kings by way of Prince Of Persia. Yep. You read that right. 

Continuing with the story. Horus is moping at his father's tomb, while his beloved Hathor (Yung) is warming his uncle's bed. Same uncle who has either killed all the other gods or driven them into exile. A young thief Bek (Thwaites) has given up on Horus returning, but not his girlfriend Zaya (Eaton), who dies trying to get one of Horus' eyes. Bek strikes a deal— resurrect girlfriend for help in getting the other eye.

Yes. This god needs a man because there's no eye in god. Wrong on so many levels, right? But hey, this is a film and things get hairy. There are certain things one-eyed gods believe they can't do. Like get into a sphinx, answer a riddle and not die, and, yes, get Horus' other eye. Sure, sounds all gravy till now, right? And then make sure they do this in time to get the dead girlfriend back. With a little help from Hathor (Who? Horus's girlfriend, keep up!).

It sounds like several million bucks on paper, sure. A solid gold pitch. The idea of having taller gods and far shorter mortals is so original! Make the film already, right? Well, Proyas did. And gave the gods gold in their veins instead of blood (believe me, this looks better than it sounds). The costuming and transformations are nice. But those creatures? So borrowed! There's an Iron Man and Thor moment in there somewhere, too.

Every actor here seems bored and in a rush to get done with it altogether. Did anyone spot the Deadpool resemblance? No? Ok.

But hey, all this goes down in roughly an hour and a half. So not all is lost. Maybe, your suspension of disbelief is in limbo somewhere. Or in the afterlife.

Gerard/Nikolaj fans might lap this one up. The rest of us have better things to do. Like, have faith that there won't be a sequel to this.