With all due respect to the wet saree (or is it mini-skirted?) divas like Sridevi, Kajol, Raveena, Sushmita, Shamita, et al who’ve shot those famous rain dance sequences at various Mumbai locations, here’s the low-down on our version of the unedited truth about Mumbai roads. The locations are real enough, and had filmakers decided to drench their songs in a little more reality, things could have turned out somewhat like this:
Bharthi Panchayat Road, Andheri East
‘Mere khwabon mein jo aaye..’ sings Simran (Kajol) from DDLJ on this cratered road frequented by starlets. When the line ‘Usse kaho mere saamne toh aaye’ she’ll see grime covered workers grinning at her holding their showels like a bouquet instead of the hero. Arrey, traffic mein phas gaya tha yaar!

Jogeshwari-Vikhroli Link Road
When Rehaan (Aamir Khan) from ‘Fanaa’ (who is besotted with the blind Kajol) dances beside her, he’d suddenly go a ‘Hona tujh mein fanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa’. The echo fades away as he falls into an open manhole. The blind heroine has miraculously evaded all the gaping holes.

Eastern Expressway
Sonali Bendre from ‘Sarfarosh’ wrapped in her sexy outfit sings amidst the never ending road repair work ‘Jo haal dil ka idhar ho raha hai, vo haal road ka udhar ho raha hai…’ A truck hastily passes by splashing muddy muck all over her while it’s tyre gets stuck into the pothole right in front of Thakur complex. Hmmm. I’m calling the police(man).

Shankaracharya Marg, Powai
‘Saagar ki gehrayi se gehra hai….yahaan ka khadda...glug! glug!’ It’s not long before Emraan Hashmi become Emraan Flush-me. Shamita...err, Shetty, and of course Udita can take the day off please.

Any muncipal school
Well this is an issue with most structures but let’s stay politically correct by whipping muicipal schools. Imagine Raveena and Akshay from Mohra doing “Tip tip barsa paani…” The roof leaks and then it starts to pour, but Raveena is unfazed. ‘Paani ne chhath giraayi...’

SV Road, Andheri
‘Kaaaaach..ra,kaaaach..ra, apun ki tu, apun tera’ sings a muck sloshed Uday Chopra to Esha Deol. Meanwhile, further along, Sridevi sings ‘Lo aaj main kehti hoon….bachaaoooooooo!’ as she falls into extra large pothole. At Saki Naka, it’s Adnan Sami with a piano in the middle of the rasta singing ‘Kabhi toh nazar milao, kabhi toh yeh road banao...’
k_thomas@dnaindia.net