Myth: ‘Indian men are gifted lovers’

Of course, Indian men are terrible lovers. You see, Indian men don’t have the benefit of being seduced by an older woman. The only way they make good lovers is if they are whipped into shape by women at the tender age of 16-17, if they are seduced by a 22 or 23 year old who’s relatively experienced and knows what she’s up to. She’s also the type who sets ground rules like ‘if you fall in love with me, you’re history’. And then proceeds to whip you into shape where you’re pretending that you’re not in love with her, but all along you are.

You can divide Indian men into two sorts: the ones who are going to marry virgins and the ones who don’t. The former make rotten lovers because the reason why they want to marry virgins is that at the end of the day, they don’t want to be compared to anybody. If they get 2 on 10 it doesn’t really matter ‘cause it’s not like their wife knows any better! They might be experienced, but it’s a mindset you’re looking for. Do they want to take you to a hotel room or do they want to take you to mama? If you’re a virgin, then they’ll take you home to mama; if you’re a hot potato, then it’s straight to the hotel room.

There is a small percentage of humble men, and fortunately most of them are married. Anyone who is married has already been pulverised by the institution and the wife. Firstly, he can’t believe that some young nubile thing is actually checking him out. He looks around and says, ‘Me?’ Can you imagine a single male studmuffin being grateful for anything?

As told to Rituparna Som