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Kangana Ranaut: Small-town girl in the big, bad world of films

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Pic: Prasad Naik, Styling: Kangana Ranaut, Make-up: Albert Chettiar, Hair: Haseena Shaikh
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Hailing from a small town in Himachal Pradesh's Mandi district, 27-year-old Kangana Ranaut's life is testament to perseverance. Of how a girl with no Bollywood background, purely on merit and gumption went from playing moll in Anurag Basu's Gangster to being the eponymous Queen in a film that grossed Rs 100 crore.

Here's an insight into her exciting yet interesting life, in her own words:

It's been an amazing journey so far... very exciting and full of extreme highs and extreme lows. Of my life today, what you get to see is just one per cent of my inner journey. I started as a confused yet ambitious teenager who was made to feel I was not good enough, so I grew up with complexes. I never really decided that I wanted to act. Now, I know I want to direct. Acting is one of the things people do among the many things that one does in their lifetime. I knew acting would be eventually be one of those things. I did some modelling and along the way, acting became an escape, a little cocoon from my everyday life.

I was a bit confused when I started, but after acting in films like Queen and Revolver Rani, I had more clarity that acting was a passing phase and now I need to move on to another inner journey. It's amazing that coming from a place like Mandi, that at this age I can have a house for myself, travel and do whatever I wanted to do. The inner journey has been a lot more exciting.

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I used to feel terrible in the beginning... the worst part was that I was seen as someone I was not. When I would read about myself in the media, I didn't even know if I was that person... I came from an unknown, non-filmi family so I became the best possible punching bag for everyone. I used to feel sick at times. I was called a gold-digger and I became that person in everybody's eyes. And yet I saw myself as someone different - I came from a freedom fighter's family, from a Rajput's bloodline. It was a constant struggle. There was a frustration about how the world perceived me. Even now I feel a chill when I remember those days... those lies they wrote about me. I was just a 19-year-old kid abandoned by her family. Gossip initially terrified me as it was really random. I would worry and stay awake for nights thinking some story would come that I had done something and would be put behind bars. I also played schizophrenic characters in my earlier films and that too, played a role in making things worse. I was accused of everything possible in the book and that damaged me. I would wake up often crying in my sleep. Now I don't feel agitated anymore. Also, people know me better today.

I was determined not to be the failure everyone thought me to be. I knew I was very good-looking and talented. Belief in myself kept me going. People wanted me to be ashamed of myself but I was fighting back! I knew if I backed out, my image in people's eyes would remain that of a reckless and frivolous person, like my character in Fashion... I didn't want my life to go that way, so I fought back. I focussed all my energies on my work. Every time people wrote me off, I rose like a phoenix from the ashes.

I have gone through so much - failure, deep passion, friendship and success, that anybody could have lost their sanity. My bigger achievement is remaining sane in this madness. I live a real life. When I feel I am breaking inside or feel exhausted I don't put extra pressure on myself by taking on more work. I have become my own friend. I pamper myself and I talk to myself. Today I can confidently say that I can take care of myself. I don't put too much pressure on myself. I choose my films and endorsements on my terms. Success today means having your own space and not being unfair to yourself for your own petty, personal ambitions. If I let my work become a slave driver year after year, one day I will just break down. I don't do that anymore. For the first time my life is not dragging me with it, I am carrying it with me.

My average day is very normal. I make my own special coffee, read books, do yoga when I am not filming or one hour of exercise and rush to my shoot. When I shoot I don't have a life of my own as I live the characters I play. I don't have my normal routine as I maintain distance from most people.

There are many good things about being an artiste but it's important to have your power of observation and sensitivity to life. Your job allows you to be that person you want to be. Let go of yourself and indulge in your creative ambitions. The worst thing about acting is that while playing various characters sometimes we lose ourselves in them. We don't know when to get away from it all. There's a very fine line between acting a character and becoming that in real life. The most dangerous thing in your body is your brain, your character lingers in your subconscious and then you start hallucinating. More than anything your health is at stake.

Most people don't know that we actors are unhappy. We tend to really get carried away by appreciation and criticisms and characters they play. I would like to tell newbie actors not to lose focus on one's inner journey when walking towards your external goal. Lose yourself but don't leave yourself behind. A successful person can go anywhere as long as you are successful as a human being.

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