Filmfare Awards 2016: 8 things we learnt from Bollywood's annual celebration of mediocrity

So the Filmfare Awards are being shown on TV which allows all of us to appreciate just how mediocre Bollywood has become as we check out  the denizens of B-town got together to stew in their own mediocrity as an award show as transparent as our legal system. To be fair, this superficial annual celebration has gone on for so long we shouldn’t really be surprised anymore but still, every year we see something that makes us question "How the hell did that happen?". Here are our some of the 'how did that happen' from this year: 

Hats off to Bhansali

We shouldn’t be too harsh on Sanjay Leela Bhansali, India’s answer to James Cameron, because he actually tries to tell a story when making a film as opposed to the rest of Bollywood who just stick a Khan up there and expect the movie to mint millions.

You have to appreciate the man’s spine for going up against the colossal juggernaut that was Dilwale which had, on paper at least, all the ingredients to be a super blockbuster. 

Bhansali stuck to his guns and while the criticism about inaccurate depiction of history will never go away (most people probably wouldn’t have watched it if it was historically accurate), the director and the team involved with Bajirao Mastani deserve kudos for bagging nine awards including Best film, director, actor in a leading role, actress in a supporting role, choreography, costume, action, production design and best playback singer.

Operation Being Human

While some might have wondered how Being Human Bajrangi Bhaijaan, won the best story, one has to understand that perhaps the committee has a rather macabre sense of humour. Maybe the best story isn’t for the movie but for Operation Being Human which began post-2002 to change one actor’s image and, given his acquittal in 2015,  you can hardly argue against the committee’s choice.

In that sense, Bajrangi Bhaijaan certainly represents the best story ever told, a story so Kafkaesque that no Bollywood script (including those by Kafka enthusiast Anurag Kashyap) will ever do justice. (Read- Salman Khan hit-and-run case: 5 questions that still haunt us)

F*** logic (Best Male Debut – Sooraj Pancholi)

Of all the awards, the Best Male Debut is one where the industry celebrates its own spawn and the winners are hardly going to set the stage on fire. Since 1988, the only individuals not from film families to have this won award were Shah Rukh Khan, Chandrachur Singh, Vidyut Jamwal, Ayushmann Khurrana, Dhanush and Fawad Khan and the last two were veteran actors from their respective industries.

So we guess it was no surprise when Sooraj Pancholi, who was launched by Bollywood’s best illusionist, was picked over Vicky Kaushal, whose nuanced performance as Deepak Choudhury in Masaan was one of the best things we saw this year. Of course, the tale of a protein-shake drinking rip-off, which Jackie Shroff did so much better, is far more appealing to the committee than the tale of a lower-caste boy whose family has burnt corpses for centuries but he dares to dream and make it out of the rigmarole of caste-oppression and poverty.

Seriously? (Best Supporting Actor - Anil Kapoor)

Anil Kapoor was another contentious choice, winning the Best Supporting actor role despite some serious contenders like Sanjay Mishra (as the kindly Vidyadhar Pathak in Masaan) or tour de force Nawazuddin Siddiqui in Badlapur. I guess we can be grateful that Ranbir Kapoor’s disaster from Roy or Varun Dhawan for Dilwale weren't nominated. 

The Celebration of Bongness

While the Bong component in Bollywood has been strong for long, it was a huge surprise to see Piku, a movie which celebrates Bengali people’s fondness for food and bowel movements win big. Despite, what others might think, conversations about bowel movements are perfectly legitimate and Piku managed to explain that quirkiness on-screen without grossing people out. No wonder, there aren’t too many complaints about its wins. 

• Critics’ Choice Best Actor (Male)  Amitabh Bachchan
• Best Actor in a Leading Role (Female)  Deepika Padukone
• Best Screenplay Juhi Chaturvedi
• Best Background Score Anupam Roy
• Critics’ Choice Best Director Shoojit Sircar
• Critics Award for Best Film Piku

Nothing for Dilwale

The biggest lesson we can take away from Dilwale is that keys to the metaphorical kingdom of romance, or the right to direct Bollywood’s most legendary romantic couple, shouldn’t be given to a man best known for blowing up SUVs. While Shah Rukh Khan expressed disappointment with the box office collections and some would blame SRK’s intolerance comments, the truth is that it was a truly terrible movie, which doesn’t do justice to King Khan’s admirable set of skills. The marketing campaign, where he acted like a spamster selling Viagra, also didn’t help.

As blogger Arnab Ray AKA Great Bong observed on Twitter, hopefully  Dilwale can be his Lal Badshaah and we will get an age-appropriate SRK where he stops ‘Happy New Year’-ing us.

Here is hoping Dilwale becomes SRKs Lal Badshah and he graduates to age appropriate non romantic roles

— greatbong (@greatbong) December 23, 2015

Consolation for Kashyap  (Best VFX – Bombay Velvet)

Another major disappointment was Anurag Kashyap’s Bombay Velvet, which was being hailed as the grandmaster’s entry into the big league, but despite being good by Bollywood’s lowest standards, disappointed a legion of his fans, producers and the studio who thought that Anurag could pull off a big film. To be fair, all of us were disappointed but we’re sure he will be back. Paanch, Black Friday, No Smoking, Return of Hanuman (he made that) and Bombay Velvet. He's too good not to. Till then, the most talented director of this generation will have to contend himself with the Best VFX award (which is technically not his), so he shouldn’t do a Dibakar and try to give it back.

The Sound of Music

The music from Bollywood these days is the perfect example of Stockholm syndrome, where if you keep on being forced to hear one thing, day in and day out, you will begin to like it. That being said 'Agar Tum Saath Ho' from Tamasha and 'Deewani Mastani' were worthy winners, but what the hell was best music director for Roy. Now Roy was one of the worst attempts at pretence I’ve ever seen. The best music director award for Roy is as baffling as the notion of Arjun Rampal as a cerebral auteur simply because he moves slowly and perceives the world in bullet time. The truth was that the only thing the audience had to use their brains for in the movie was to figure out how Jacqueline wasn’t drowning or Ranbir Kapoor falling over while swimming and driving that slowly.

A word for Masaan 

While Anurag Kashyap might have failed, one of his proteges, Neeraj Ghaywan did win the award for the Best Debut Director for Masaan which was one of the most powerful films made in 2015 and begs the question why its other members failed to be nominated. In a year with powerful performances by women including Kangana (Tanu Weds Manu Returns), Anushka Sharma (NH10), Deepika Padukone (Piku), Bhumi Pednekar (Dum Laga Ke Haisha), it was strange to see Richa Chadda missing from the nominations. Her performance as an empowered woman curious about her sexuality is unprecedented in Bollywood and she deserved more for her role. The same goes for screenwriter Varun Grover, who wrote Masaan with Ghaywan. 

Here's the complete list of winners