dna celebrity columnist Twinkle Khanna: From cool chick to cow

Tuesday, 28 January 2014 - 10:30am IST | Place: Ahmedabad, Mumbai | Agency: DNA

The baby is 16 months today and I seem to almost feel like my old self again; but sitting down and cleaning out drawers, during this current ‘moving to another house’ stage, I find my old notebook and here are some funny, silly things that I had jotted down at three months post baby.
Don’t judge me, they say giving birth causes hormonal imbalances, temporary insanity and after that thankfully memory loss, otherwise no woman would go through it a second time.
So here are the musings of a middle-aged, new mom.

Nov 25, 2012: So what’s changed momma?

1 My bed time: Eight pm was the time I would be relaxing with a glass of wine and planning what I am going to wear to tonight’s event. Now, this is the time I am fast asleep in my bed, drooling in an exhaustion-induced coma.

2My various body parts: Sometimes I think the only thing keeping them in place is nothing else but hope!

3My clothes: Will I ever wear my J brands size 26 again? And more importantly do I currently have any clothes free of baby vomit to wear today?

4My man: From gazing at me worshipfully and declaring how beautiful I am, he now has one term to compliment me no matter what I wear — Cute! What the hell is cute? Am I a bloody teddy bear?

5My brains: With an enviable tested IQ of 145, now there are days when I can barely remember what rhymes with twinkle — Sparkle? Spangle?

6 My peer group: I have always had savvy 30-something year old friends but now I find myself conversing with 24-year-old other new moms, only to wonder if I was as dumb at that age.

7My home: I have always had an immaculate, elegant home but gone are the days when my living room could be featured in Architectural Digest, now it’s difficult to even find my sofa under mounds of diapers, swaddle cloths, burp cloths and bibs.

8My food: My regular diet of dainty salads and grilled chicken are banned from my meal plans; as my mother-in-law is now force-feeding me laddoos, dry fruits and ghee-infused bajra rotis to increase my fluid output. I am secretly starting to think that this fluid output nonsense is just an excuse she has made up, to make sure I never lose any weight.

9 My status: The man of the house has very politely informed guests who have come to see the baby that I am unavailable; as I am ‘milking’ and thereby sealed my status from cool chick to mooing cow.

10My outlook: My vanity has taken a hit and my brains have been sucker punched but what has really changed is the way I look at this body; from groaning about each lump and bump, judging my body by what dress size I am, I now marvel at the strength of this wonderful machine. It has produced two beautiful children, been terribly abused on occasion (apple martinis anyone?), been neglected sometimes but it has never let me down and because it only responds to what I give it — with love, care, dedication and maybe a few starvation periods (let’s not kid ourselves to the contrary) I will perhaps sashay in my old jeans once again, while simultaneously determining the exact square root of Pi.


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