'Machine' churns out a toss-up between something that stinks like musty cheese and looks like a tepid tease...
I'm being made a Mohra to take on the Mustafa-fuelled Machine. Nothing personal against Mr I-Forgot-His-Face and his dad and uncle-in-white. I'm just troubled with the obscene amounts of money flung at set designers who trained in Gurgaon, a Fugly actress and a choreographer, who we imagine gave up trying to make Master Burmawalla dance.
Here's the trouble with the Cheez Badi track from Machine. It's going to go down in history as a bad song made worse. Tune-tinkerer Tanishq Bagchi has 'programmed' this track, has original singer Udit Narayan for company, done away with Kavita Krishnamurthy and replaced her with Neha Kakkar. Club song, ergo, item singer, right? Right!
That tagline, for starters. Some things may forever be mast-mast. It just won't be your song. I actually went back and listened to that qawwali club number from Mohra. As improbably inane the costumes were back then, I couldn't get over how correct they got the lighting and the ugly f***s that throng such places. The extras playing two gangsters in their bad wigs, switching briefcases and giving each other thumbs-ups, couldn't be more blatant about their shady business. But at least, that song was woven in as part of the story.
Here, Mustafa is perched on a bar-stool, checking out his main gal, Kiara Advani as she shimmies her way through the song - in a vintage car, in ankle-deep water, braving dangerously low chandeliers. He does thrust (as I'm guessing he must), looks on with lust, and raises some dust with the determined intention of the classic Bollywood villain.
And that's not even the worst part about this video. It's that Udit Narayan, one of the few remaining singers from the 90s people still respect, deigned to be a part of this track. He's sincere, but the generation gap shows. His natural pitch sounds jarring against the heavy doses of what passes as dubstep and thump-thump jhankaar beats in Bollywood these days. Composer Viju Shah must laugh at the irony of it. His Tu Cheez Badi Hai Mast Mast from Mohra is supposed to be a copy of the qawwali standard Dum Mast Qalandar. Making Cheez Badi a copy of a copy.
While Kiara ditches Raveena Tandon Thadani's virginal whites for a seductress's sizzling red number, she is not a shade on the thumka queen. Mustafa is no Akshay Kumar, either. But you knew that already!
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
 "Bollywood, Music, Machine, Tu Cheez Badi Hai Mast Mast, Mohra, Akshay Kumar, Kiara Advani, Abbas-Mustan, Mustafa, Tanishk Bagchi")
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
)
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
)
)
)
)
)
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}
){kind=small}