Comment

After Effects

Last night I had this dream that a certain terrorist leader has just delivered a new video through Vichare Courier. It was a little different from his usual videos and began with an apology from him for still using outdated videotapes for recording his threats instead of opting for DVD.

In fact, he revealed that he was considering dumping Al Jazeera and striking a deal with Moser Baer through whom he could reach out to the world for mere Rs 28!

But what was startling about this video was its core message, which was about sparing India from further terrorist attacks.

“I urge my fellow warriors to stop all terrorist activities against India,” he said on tape. “It’s only a matter of time before this huge country destroys itself!”

He went on to explain himself. “I was in Mumbai last week on a recon mission and discovered some alarming truths! For starters, within the next two years, one half of Mumbai’s population is going to be bedridden from slipped discs and multiple internal injuries caused by their bumpy rides over potholed roads - or roads repaired unevenly where small mounds of tar have now replaced potholes! The other half of the population will be killed by reality TV, melodramatic soaps and sensational sting operations or ghost stories on news channels.”

As I watched the video, the terrorist leader pointed to his black beard. “I know there are lots of speculations about how my beard turned black from white,” he said. “This, my friends, is the result of pollution in Mumbai!”

The terrorist leader then targeted the entire country and said, “I ask you to spare India because their politicians are giving terrorism a bad name by frequently unleashing mob fury, destroying public property and causing more damage than terrorist attacks!

As for the silly Indians who vote them to power, they are at the receiving end of legitimate extortion by the government through assorted taxes that help pay for the excesses of MPs who promptly walk out of the parliament if they don’t like the speaker’s haircut!”

The speech now reached its climax. “And what’s the fun of operating in a country where law and order is in the hands of mobs that blacken faces and lynch people at the slightest provocation? I mean, they are giving us a bad name by becoming a country that’s All Qaida No Kaanoon!”