Column

Amongst thousands of people who come to me for advice (mostly obviously the five-year-olds), one particular gentleman, a certain Mr Bhairav Desai, recently presented me with unarguably the most important query of our generation, which contrary to what the general population thinks is not the likes of: “Does Janet Jackson have implants or has Richard Branson actually ever dated a Virgin? Or the most oft asked question of all, “Was Pavaroti at his lightest weight on the day of his death?”

In fact Bhairav’s question has a far more metaphysical spin to it. “Are you a Mobloo?”

Now before you start suing the newspaper for its frequent incorporation of Japanese words let me explain what Mobloo is.

The word Mobloo refers to those specimens from what is largely and erroneously called the Human race, or the Human Society or even Mr And Mrs Bo Davar and family, who compulsorily retain and use their mobile equipment in the toilet.

For further clarification let me add that the mobile equipment we refer to here strictly consists of the modern day mobile phone, which comes in many different shapes and sizes.

So once again let’s try the question - “Are you a Mobloo?”

Does your mobile phone share your most private of moments? Does it get a spot on your most hallowed turf? Has it replaced the canine? The Budginger and two shots of whisky and as man’s best friend and closest companion?
I know for one, my wife is a mobloo. In fact, she only uses her phone when in the toilet.

In that sense she belongs to the mobloo right wing and must not be trifled with. Right wingers now spend 90% of their time in the toilet on the mobile and less than 10% of the time actually on the toilet and activities which are considered far more traditional.

So is the machine winning? Are we turning more to steel than to human contact? Are you a Mobloo?

Please SMS your answer (preferably from your loo).