Column

Tales from the Locker Room

For us Broachas, along with Independence day and Republic Day, one other day stands tall. A day which we are forced to celebrate although till now we are not sure why.

The day is not lost on residents of the buildings in Prabhadevi, who choose to remain indoors, hidden in their closets, under the tables, safely behind old furniture and sometimes older relatives.

The day is Shree Kunal Vijayakar’s birthday. But first, who is Shree Kunal Vijayakar? Let us examine the subject a little.

Shree Kunal Vijayakar was born in the port city of Mumbai (then called Bombay and on weekends Slumbay) 44 years ago. From the time he was three-years-old, he showed glimpses of being a genius. For example, he would always carry a small pillow with him, thus giving him the unfair advantage of catching a little shut eye anywhere anytime.

At the age of four, he established a rule that his mother Nirmala would do all his homework, and pack his school bag. Of course, she would be in charge of everything except his tiffin. When it came to his tiffin, Shree Vijayakar insisted nobody, not even his own mother should meddle with it, after he caught her experimenting with capsicum in his ham sandwiches. Capsicum in a ham sandwich? It took Shree Vijayakar years to recover from this blow.

By the time he was five, he carried a doctor’s certificate in his bag at all times that would exempt him from marching, games and all P.T. (physical training) classes. Even today, five years after he’s done his graduation, he still keeps the certificate just in case he needs it.

Shree Vijayakar went on to great things. He dabbled in advertising where he broke Piyush Pandey’s record for the longest lunch session.

Then onto painting where his female nudes were famously mistaken for a cabbage patch. Finally acting, where in the play The Imaginary Invalid where he played the little role, he would continue to sleep on stage four hours after the audience had left the theatre. Today, on the occasion of his birthday, he is releasing his biography, ‘Why walk when you can lie down and be pushed’.

We wish him all the best and more rest.