Column

By public demand, I am repeating some of my decade-old gyan on why married men are usually aspiring lovers and perspiring liars. For starters, it could happen that a girl would discover that her guy is married and confront him. Her question: “Why didn’t you tell me you’re married?” “I did,” he says, with a suitably shocked expression. “But you were sleeping!” “So why didn’t you tell me when I woke up?” she asks. “Hmm, let’s see… what’s the day today?” “Tuesday,” she says.

“Exactly,” he points out. “I never discuss my marriage on Tuesdays!” “What about the rest of the week?” She’s persistent. And he’s persuasive. “Where was the time?” he protests. “Monday was the day after Sunday. Wednesday was a bank strike. Thursday was a bandh in Kolkata. I was fasting on Friday. And on Saturday I was with my wife!”
However, back home, he knows his wife so well that it doesn’t take much effort to pacify her. Her question: “Are you having an affair on the sly?” “Am I having an affair on the sly?” he repeats the question coolly. “No, I am having an affair on the seventh floor!” “We’re on the seventh floor,” she points out. “Exactly!” And he winks at her.
Now she becomes apologetic and hugs him. “I’m sorry I doubted you,” she says. He kisser her forehead and whispers, “I’m sorry I disappointed you!” But the fact is most men prefer to live by the Woody Allen adage: “Good and just behaviour is not only more moral but could be done by phone.” Which is why they are often at their best on the phone. Especially when they have to lie: “Honey, I’ll be laid tonight!” Of course, honey gets the message loud and clear — that her hubby will get late, hence she should have dinner and go to sleep. A profound text message on my cellphone from a friend puts this phenomenon in the right perspective — “A poll was conducted to find out why men wake up at midnight. The result: 2.4 per cent for water, 2.6 per cent to go to the loo and 95 per cent get up to go home!” Of course, there are times when men are honest, even at the risk of sounding clumsy. Like the time, his girlfriend asks, “Why did you fall in love with me, darling?” And he confesses, “You were the first name in the telephone directory!”