Column

It’s strongly suspected that the travel advisory posted on the website of the US consulate in Mumbai has been drafted by none other than President George Bush. Some say this is either his strategy to divert attention from Iraq or an excuse to invade India on the pretext of searching for weapons of mass destruction — which are present in Mumbai in the form of open manholes, streets with potholes rivalling craters on the moon and political parties who practice a mocktail of vigilantism and vandalism.

The original draft by Bush is reportedly a detailed guide on how to survive in Mumbai. “Never tell a taxi driver your actual destination,” he writes. “They will bluntly refuse to take you if the distance is less than 100 kms! Instead tell them you want to go to Malabar Hill, though you only want to be driven from the airport at Santa Cruz to Leelavati Hospital at Bandra. Check your road map and feign a heart attack just as you reach your destination!”

Bush also cautions his countrymen from getting excited on spotting a sidewalk and resist the temptation of walking on them to avoid being run over by motorists who prefer to drive on the sidewalks to steer clear of the potholes and manholes on the streets! “And avoid taking public transport,” warns Bush. “It’s not just the favourite target of terrorists but also political activists whose solution for every problem is stoning BEST buses and derailing local trains!”

However, the American President also adds that he can’t help but admire the ability of our politicians to not feel offended by real issues like poor civic administration but bring the city to a standstill over renaming and regional chauvinism - issues which don’t affect the common man! “It’s remarkable how Mumbai has never seen a political protest against the poor roads or pathetic monsoon preparedness,” muses Bush. “But stones rain in Mumbai and glasses shatter to protest against a painting, movie, play, song, community, language, cheerleaders, name of an institution, etc! Why can’t American politicians damage a few buildings in Washington or cause a traffic jam in New York and keep our citizens busy by inconveniencing them while I send more troops to Iraq?”

Finally, George Bush’s advisory to Americans end on a note of caution: “If you come across me in any part of India, especially down South, don’t bother to say ‘Hi’! Because, chances are that’s not me, that’s Kamal Haasan!”