Column

Tales from the Locker Room

Of all the Olympic sports, the one that blows my mind is the one called Walking. I want to know who the hell agreed to make walking a sport?

I’d like to know which committee, which group of able-bodied men, which bunch of greybeards, put all their combined intelligence and wisdom together to come up with the ultimate test of an athletes’ power, speed, finesse and endurance, his ability to withstand great odds and trying conditions by …err… walking.

I mean, what’s the training like for such a sport? You can’t run, there’s absolutely no point in doing that you’d got too fast, and defeat the whole purpose of walking.You can’t swim, lift weights, climb mountains, do cross country training, all pointless and far too taxing for the sport of ...err… walking! In fact, you can tell that a sport’s embarrassed when they add something ridiculous to it. In walking’s case, it’s a twist.

Some walker, years ago, completely dismayed by the derision and laughter from all and sundry decided to give his sport a fillip, a little grace, by adding a twist. He devised a walk where his right shoulder would fall over his left knee and his left shoulder over his right knee by simply twisting his hips at the right time.

I’m told this is a direct lift and copy of the walk enacted by the Silverback gorilla in his quest for some female affection. Amongst Gorillas (and some members of the Parliament) your manhood is established by how much you are able to twist your torso without actually breaking your spine in two.

So, now Olympic athletes …err… walkers try to camouflage their event with this twisting tactic, fooling a few into believing it’s a highly skilled sport. But what of life in the Olympic village? What if in the normal course of the day, a scrutiny guard walks faster than the walker, an attendant or a masseur beats him in a walk to the team bus? Who’s the most twisted then?

I’m sorry, but I strongly object, keep wrestling and sailing and the Equestrian events but please remove walking. And if you’re still going to keep it then include other manly sports like spitting, scratching, and brushing. In which, perhaps I can contribute with a twist or two of my own.