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Crime is on the rise. I say this as a victim. A couple of days ago, I was the victim of violent crime (no, I didn’t get married again!) which occurred during the yoga class.

This was my third class and the first one in which I didn’t fall asleep. During one of the easier asanas, where one had to pull one’s ears with one’s toes, whilst simultaneously sticking out one’s tongue and breathing through the left nostril, I stepped on Mrs Bhatia’s head. This was made worse by the fact that Mrs Bhatia was in a hexagonal shape at that time and on the way into transforming into a lotus (a position that irritates Mr Bhatia to no end) as Mrs Bhatia always finds it incredibly difficult to open the front door in this position.

As my foot was being extricated from Mrs Bhatia’s forehead, the normally staid Yoga class was suddenly hit by chaos and commotion. Mrs Bhatia’s head was ducked into a bucket of water so as to remove the footprint from her forehead.

As all this was going on and I was requesting the instructor not to keep her head submerged for over ninety seconds at a time, lest somebody uses this diversion to carry out a crime.

Just at the point where Mrs Bhatia’s, head was being dried and her limbs being attached back to their original positions we heard a scream.

First, we thought it may have been Mr Bhatia, who reacted to Mrs Bhatia in an upright position after 27 years. However, on closer examination we found out that some of our chappals had been robbed. In all seven chappals, not pairs mind you, but single chappals had been stolen.

Who would steal single chappals? Why?What would be his benefit?

Being a civilised and sophisticated group of people, we immediately started hitting our instructor, then better sense prevailed and we started hitting Mrs Bhatia instead.
Unfortunately so far no leads have shown up, but if you find a blue coloured rubber slipper or more importantly, if you find Mrs Bhatia attached to some furniture please contact this newspaper as soon as possible.