Column

After Effects

As Mumbai drowned again last week in the downpour, a group of stray dogs found themselves bonding over a common topic on the staircase of a dilapidated building where they found shelter from the rains.

“Our dream of turning Mumbai into Shanghai has gone down the drain,” pointed out Goregaon Ghanshu as he scratched below his ear. “I think this monsoon is a political conspiracy by China!”

“You’re right,” sighed Milan Subway Moti. “Only China can benefit from this monsoon. It’s certainly not helping the Maharashtra government or the Opposition!”

“What do you mean?” asked Bandra Bruno, whose knowledge of current events was restricted to the latest eating joints in his suburb. “I thought China would be happy if Mumbai became Shanghai. It would be able to export more Hakka noodles and Schezwan sauce to India! I think this must be the ploy of our own political parties!”

“No way,” snapped Jogeshwari Julie, the bitch who had most dogs drooling upto Oshiwara. “How do you think our political parties will bring this city to a standstill through bandh, stone-throwing, rasta roko and vandalism if Mumbai is frequently brought to its knees by the rains? The rains erode their credibility!”

“You’re right,” agreed Borivali Bob from IC Colony. “It’s affecting all those politicians who often feel the need for a show of strength! What will they do with their blind followers who are regularly unleashed upon cyber cafes, colleges, schools, shopping malls and multiplexes? You surely don’t expect them to be unleashed to help people stranded in the rains!”

Santa Cruz Subbu was the most intellectual of the lot. So he had an idea. “The government needs to tax Mumbaikars more to turn this city into Shanghai,” he said. “I think they must increase tax deduction at source from 10.3 per cent to 99.7 per cent!”

Not to be outdone, his neighbour, Khar Road Khan, put forth his proposal. “I think the government should introduce a rainwater tax,” he suggested. “Mumbaikars are already paying a Road Tax to walk on potholes; they might as well be taxed to wade through knee-deep water during the monsoon!”

But it was finally left to the pragmatic Lower Parel Lallan to come up with a scheme that was unanimously voted as the best solution. “The only way to turn Mumbai into Shanghai?” he asked no one in particular. “Simple! Just put a lot of Chinese people on the streets!”