Column

This morning, I went down to the hotel's coffee shop for some breakfast and overheard the guy at the next table telling the waiter that he wanted to slice Brad! I immediately pounced on him and pinned him to the floor.

Turned out he's from the distant state of Punjab and he only wanted sliced bread! Really, Indian pronunciations are getting on my nerves. Just the other day, there was this guy from some place called Kerala who wanted to meet Angelina Jolly!

I'd choked a British photographer and threatened to kill him hoping the Indian paparazzi will take a hint. But yesterday, when I found one of them sneaking up the drainpipe, I punched his face.

The guy ran out to the rest of the paparazzi waiting outside, shouting, "pitt gaya, pitt gaya!"- and almost like magic, they got onto their respective vehicles and disappeared! I was later told it was a slight miscommunication about what the guy meant when he shouted "pitt gaya" and what his colleagues understood by it.

Apparently, he was shouting about how he got beaten up, while the rest of them thought Mr Pitt had left the building!

I was a little worried when Angelina and Brad went shopping in a three-wheeled wonder called the autorickshaw. What bothered me was the driver, who sat at the edge of his seat at a weird angle while driving. I feared he would leave the vehicle and run away anytime.

But I guess this is what they meant by edge-of-the-seat excitement while driving on Mumbai's roads, where you never know whether you're descending into a pothole or an open manhole! By the way, Angelina shopped for lipsticks and she bought the entire stock of pink shade from a department store.

The manager asked me if that would last her the entire month. I told him that was just for her lower lip: "We'll clean up the stock at the next store for her upper lip!"

Last night, Jennifer Aniston called. I didn't mind it when she said Angelina is not a Tomb Raider but a Home Raider – especially her home! But before she could start abusing Brad, I told her to stay out of his life.

Because, ever since I saw 'Troy' – 52 times – which had Brad in a leather mini-skirt, I'd wanted to protect his body! And nobody is going to stop me from doing my job!