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Tales from the locker room

It’s time to talk about a favourite of mine. For many, the greatest female specimen since the Crayfish, superior in DNA than the swordfish, higher in the species hierarchy than the terrestrial earth plant, is the specimen, which goes by the name Mayawattiens. This is the Latin form of her more popular Hindi version—Mayawati.

Firstly, let’s study the meaning of Mayawati. Well, Mayawati means ‘one who was born to defeat Mulayam Singh Yadav, chide Amar Singh and irritate Raju’! A few days ago, she fulfilled her destiny. However to really understand the lady, the most evolved example of science and genetics, we must learn all about her younger days. So let’s open the file, which is marked ‘Mayawati—the Early Memories’.

Mayawati was born on the first of July 1941 in Liverpool, England, where due to strange sounds emanating from her crib, she was soon dubbed the fifth Beatle. Although, her official age is given as 43, she in actuality is around 20 years older than that in keeping with Uttar Pradesh’s customs and conventions.

After celebrating her fifth birthday for four or five consecutive years, the young Maya was chosen as group leader for her school’s military wing, the extremist outfit called ‘The girl Guides’ with its junior group called the ‘Bulbuls’. Impressed with the young Maya’s leadership, she was sent by authorities to lead the boy scouts, then the men scouts and finally the notorious right wing outfit called ‘Men who prey on boy scouts’. As young Maya grew in stature, and aged occasionally, she started to become the leader of the oppressed. She championed many causes like ‘The Asian laundry owners’, “The right to eat papad’, and starred in the West End original of ‘Main Madhuri Dixit Ban Jaoongee’. Here, she often played all the three negative roles and in her spare time doubled up as the audience.

In 1979 her father got transferred to India and Mayawati joined India’s largest and most lucrative industry—politics. The rest they say is history.

Join me in raising a toast to Mayawati! I call on all Indians to do the right thing and name at least one son or one daughter after her.