Column

Tales from the Locker Room

My house is in a turmoil. OK. Let me rephrase that. The house I’m allowed to live in is in a turmoil. By turmoil, I’m not referring to its address, (although anyone trying to find parking in Malabar Hill on the weekend will often use far stronger words than that).

The fact of the matter, is that my mother has been shipped off to America. Hence the turmoil. To be out with it, I like to think of my house as Pakistan, and my mom playing the role of General Parvez Musharraf although it must be said that, in the last couple of years, she did stop wearing a uniform.

When mom (let’s call her Parvez since there is no way she’ll be reading this article), is around the house, it stays in some sort of order. Without her (Parvez again), things have started to fall apart. Just as they do, in anyunenlightened society, which has democracy forced on the people. Immediately, Nawaz (my dad) and Asif Zardari (my wife) will embark oncampaigns to win over the population (me, my son, my daughter and our dog).

Waiting in the wings, is Imran Khan (my aunt), who’ll lend her credibility to one
action or the other before disappearing from the political map. Soon, rebellions will occur as a result of the anarchy and chaos.

Baluchistan (my kitchen staff) will start to disappear. Not show up for work on the flimsiest of reasons—like snowfall in Tibet —keep in mind that they live in Borivali East. Soon the domino effect will happen and province after province will secede.

Chauffeurs, electricians, cable guys, plumbers, bread man, shop delivery boy, dog meat guy, post man, newspaper man, phone guy, World Space guy—all will soon start becoming laws unto themselves, threatening the very solidity and base of Pakistan (my house).Our neighbours (the floor above is India, below is China) will start taking advantage). Province after province (for eg newspaper boy or bread man) will fall to their opportunistic claws.

Quite frankly Pakistan needs Parvez (my mom) back as soon as possible. If nothing else to free me Abdul Kader Khan, thenuclear scientist (myself).