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I'm writing this from Wimbledon where I've been sent by the All India TennisFederation to investigate the charges of match fixing.

To identify match fixing I'm going strictly by the book, which is a lot different from going strictly by the bookie. To blend in with the crowd I'm dressed in my Elvis costume with a Santa Claus hat.Next to me, Posh Spice is with a man with a huge paunch and his partner is either a set from Saawariya or a garden in Canterbury.

The match-fixing almanac tells us to look out for three things. a) strawberries and cream b) suspicious people c) suspicious strawberries and cream.

Since the strawberries and cream are too expensive, I focus on the suspicious people. Now, it's common knowledge that in countries like England and Australia most suspicious people are medicinal practioners from India. But at Wimbledon they are all in disguise. Some are even dressed as patients.

On court, I notice some extremely suspicious behaviour. Rafael Nadal is serving and volleying. Extremely suspicious for someone who is supposed to be a clay court specialist. Elsewhere Nicholas Davydenko is tapping a racket on his knee. More suspicious behaviour. I then notice something which is definitely a little fishy. Leander Paes is standing next to Mahesh Bhupathi and they are actually talking to each other. In fact, for a second, I could have sworn they were holding hands.

Roger Federer seems the most suspicious. He's sitting on his haunches with his fingers in his nose. Behaviour that's not becoming of a Wimbeldon Champion, although definitely worthy of a US Open Champion. Sania Mirza and Venus Williams are talking animatedly but my trained sleuth eye zeroes in on Maria Sharapova, who was screaming out something in Russian on a mobile phone. I found out later that she was just ordering her dinner. Even more suspicious— she was talking to an Indian restaurateur in Russian!

My conclusion is that something's rotten in the state of Denmark. Although if truth be told, Wimbledon is a long way from Denmark.