Column

Monday was supposed to be ‘No Honking’ day.All Mumbaikars had to solemnly swear that on Monday, the 7th of April they would put aside all differences of caste, class, creed, height, weight, length of noses… and promise not to blow each other’s horns, no matter what the temptation was. My wife gave me very clear instructions in the morning, “Don’t blow your horn or I’ll blow my top”.

Not wanting to blow it, I set off at eight in the morning with my hands on the wheel, legs on the pedal, and nothing on the horn. At 8:01 am, a school driver, who’s actually an offspring of Keanu Reeves’ alliance with a bar girl in Mumbai, charged past me with the customary Mumbai greeting of Toojhee aaichee.... (as the marathi meaning is slightly unparliamantary I prefer the Korean translation of the same phrase which adds up to Good morning and how is your mother today?).

I was about to reply with Horn Symphony no. 44 in ‘A’ minor when first my wife’s face, then Amitabh Bachchan’s, then Ritesh Deshmukh’s face flashed in front of me. Fingers bobbing and warning me away from the usage.

8:16 am: A bike gang ran past in a zig zag formation creating havoc, clearly they had killed before.

8:23 am:I stop at a red light, behind me is mayhem. Fours cars and a scooter unaffected by messages from my wife or Amitabh or Ritesh were furiously honking away. But my dad’s words of never breaking a red light even if you are pregnant, in fact, specially if your pregnant stayed with me.

8:29 am: The Mahim pile up which interrogaters famously used to ferry animals to and fro in a successful bid to get them to talk, starts a serious horn chorus.

8:38 am: A jammed highway packed with people cars, ricks, and two wheelers not to mention cycles carts, and the odd lost horse, leads to absolute chaos and confusion.

At 8:40 am: I declare ‘No Honking’ day over. A futile exercise is consigned to the dustbin. Defeated by the overpopulated city and its vast vehicular and people volume, I have a message for my wife and Amitabh and Ritesh and the government. Forget about No Honking Day. First let’s deal with the over population. Blow about a No Bonking Day!