Column

A frantic guy stumbled into a doctor’s clinic. “Save me, doc,” he said. “I’m in big trouble. Every time I try to eat, the food just doesn’t seem to go into my mouth!” The doctor was baffled. “What do you mean?” he asked. The guy gesticulated wildly and replied, “Last night I was trying to have soup but each time I raised the spoon to my mouth, I just wasn’t able to drink it!” The doctor nodded sympathetically and asked him to go on. “Then I took my girlfriend out on a date and tried to kiss her,” he said, “but I just couldn’t kiss her!” The guy broke into tears. “What’s wrong with me, doc?” he asked. “Why am I not able to do anything with my mouth? Are these symptoms of swine flu?” The doctor smirked and said, “No, you idiot. Just take that bloody mask off your face!”

There are more masked men and women out there on Mumbai’s streets than you would find in comic books. In fact, the demand for masks in the city has reached such alarming proportions that it’s being felt in faraway Obama country where superheroes like Spiderman are holding onto their mask due to fear of somebody stealing it and selling it to NRIs visiting Mumbai.

Even the filmy concept of ‘love at first sight’ is threatening to become a reality as a guy falls head over heels in love after one glimpse into the soulful eyes of a girl wearing a mask — never really seeing the formidable braces that hold back her teeth. In all probability, he wouldn’t notice it for a very long time, since the wedding has the bride and groom wearing masks while taking saat pheras before a masked pandit who mumbles the mantras under the watchful eyes of masked relatives and friends. Of course, since all this is thanks to swine flu, the groom’s family would demand a dowry — a year’s supply of Tamiflu.

Masks are no longer associated with criminals, who’ve discovered innovative ways of using the swine flu scare to their advantage. Like, a bank robber no longer needs a gun — all he needs to do is threaten to sneeze before the cashier. On the other hand, don’t be afraid and throw up your hands when the doorbell rings and you find a masked man at your doorstep. It just might be your husband, brother, son or neighbour.