Column

This Diwali I stayed off sweets. But I couldn’t escape an overdose of Bollywood.

That happens when two potential blockbusters are simultaneously unleashed on an audience that’s either lamenting Shahid-Kareena’s sizzling ‘Jab We Met’ chemistry becoming history, or taking the statutory warning on cigarette packets too seriously by staying away from ‘No Smoking’.

Everyone who wished me ‘Happy Diwali’ followed it by not asking the customary health question about my aging parents but whether I’d seen either of the two Diwali releases.

Fortunately, for someone who can’t hold a conversation for more than 90 seconds on most Diwalis, I was well prepared this year.

Because I spent last Friday watching both films back to back! In fact, this feat alone earned me a lot of admirers.

It’s one of those rare occasions when you feel worthy and proud of being one up on others.

“So what did you think of ‘Om Shanti Om’?” I was asked.

“My problem with ‘Om Shanti Om’ is that it’s hard to dislike a film that’s been made by film buffs who seem to be having a ball with Bollywood,” I replied.

“What do you mean?” This question was from someone who didn’t read newspapers and hence was unfamiliar with abstract reviews.

So I clarified, “I mean I loved those moments where Rishi Kapoor of ‘Karz’ threw a jacket in the 70s and it was caught by aaj ka SRK…”

“But ‘Karz’ was in 1980!”

I ignored the correction and continued, “And when Deepika Padukone danced with young Sunil Dutt and Jeetendra.

And the film awards function where Shah Rukh takes a dig at the repetitive nature of his films and Akshay Kumar fires a gun from below his belt. And finally a star-studded title song that made Bollywood look like one happy family…”

Then came the inevitable next question: “And what about ‘Saawariya’?”

“I loved ‘Sawariya’ too,” I said. “It answered one question that’s always intrigued me.

Why does my favourite director, Sanjay Leela Bhansali, spend so much money on expensive sets?”

“And the answer is…”

“Bhansali likes to make his heroines run across the sets like PT Usha on a 400 metre hurdles! Aishwarya ran in ‘Devdas’ and now it’s pretty Sonam Kapoor…”

“And what did you think of Ranbir Kapoor?”

“He’s superstar material, though Bhansali has introduced him in a manner befitting a RK heroine—in white and a little exposed!”

“You mean, like Mandakini in ‘Ram Teri Ganga Maili’?

“No comments!”