Column

After effect

These are excerpts from the personal diary of a hapless filmmaker. Read at your own risk!

JANUARY: I was woken up by the incessant ringing of my cellphone. It was my assistant. “We’re in trouble,” he said. “A certain community has objected to our film’s title! They want it changed!” I reminded him that we don’t have a title yet. “Well, then they want us to change it the moment we have one!” I told him we will make the film without a title!

FEBRUARY: It was my assistant again on the phone just as I was about to take a shower. “Another community has objected to the character of a housemaid in our film,” he hollered. “They want us to delete all her scenes because it shows the community in a poor light!” I told him to delete her scenes but pointed out that we also have a cop from the same community in the film. “I guess we should delete his scenes as well for precaution,” I said. He pointed out that the cop and the housemaid were the hero and heroine of the film!

MARCH: I got a call from the Animal Welfare Board who has objected to a crucial scene that shows a hen crossing the street. They have accused me of traumatising the hen. I’ve assured them the scene will be deleted.

APRIL: My assistant called again while I was in the middle of lunch with more bad news. He said political parties in a southern state have threatened to ban my film unless somebody in the cast apologised to them! I tried telling them I don’t have a cast left, considering I’ve already chopped the scenes of my hero and heroine… and also the hen! I convinced them to accept the apology of the only supporting character in the film — a Nepali watchman!

MAY: I was summoned by the Ministry Of External Affairs who politely told me to delete the watchman from the film because Nepal was on the verge of declaring war on India to protest against the offensive depiction of its people as watchmen in Indian films!

JUNE: I submitted my film to the censor board. They refused to clear the film and pointed out that my film wasn’t fit for a theatrical release. “You don’t have a film,” they pointed out. “You only have the beginning and end credits! You don’t even have a title!”