Column

I am not sure how historically accurate it is, but Jodhaa Akbar has a scene where the Rajput princess admires Akbar the Great’s six pack!

It’s not clear whether the Mughal emperor had a personal trainer or how he managed to squeeze in a few hours at the gym into his hectic daily schedule of conquering kingdoms, romancing his wife and surviving palace intrigue.

But if that scene in Ashutosh Gowariker’s epic is based on facts then Akbar certainly was way ahead of his time! Centuries later, a six pack is a national obsession. Shah Rukh Khan has it. Sanjay Dutt is working at it. As for me, my plans have been squashed by inflation!

For the last couple of weeks my trainer has been trying hard to transform my paunch into a pack — if not six, at least two. So every day he hammers the same mantra into my head. “Skip dinner,” he drones.

“Have salads! Eat vegetables!” Yesterday, I lost my cool and told him that I can’t eat vegetables anymore! “They cost a fortune,” I snapped. “I might have to mortgage my house if I am to stick to a diet of soups and salads!”

I accused him of having forced me earlier to cut out rice from my diet. “And now Sharad Pawar is accusing South Indians like me of eating more chappatis instead of rice and thus causing inflation!”

However, I’d like to tell the agriculture minister that inflation is actually being caused by Bollywood. Just read the newspapers, which religiously report on a daily basis about everybody from stars to upstarts either signing or turning down multi-crore deals!

Or they are gifting each other expensive diamonds, cars and penthouses! But with everyone in showbiz being on a diet of soups and salads, and inflation skyrocketing, it won’t be long before we’ve tabloid headlines like — "Saif gifts vegetables to Kareena on Valentine's day!" or "Deepika makes caesar salad for Ranbir!"

Funnily enough, it’s not hard to get rich quick in Bollywood. Like a star, who demanded Rs 50 crore from a corporate house and was promptly denied, explained: “Though they refused to pay me the price I demanded, they will still tell others that I am asking for Rs 50 crore these days.

The word spreads and the next producer who comes to me is hesitant to offer anything less than half that figure!”

See? It’s easier than getting a six-pack!