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The name is Bond, James Bond. Now I’ll wear my Omega watch, Reid & Taylor suit, Bata shoes, Rupa underwear, VIP banian - not necessarily in that order - and save the world!
M briefs me on my new mission. “There’s something fishy about Dr Bazooka’s death,” she says. “It might have something to do with the fact that he was found dead in a fish tank! Your mission is to find out whodunit!”
My first stop is the dead doctor’s daughter, Miss Phataka. She is a pretty young thing. “How did your father die?” I ask her, as I look down her cleavage. “He stopped breathing,” she says. But I am not convinced. “What did the postmortem report say?” I ask again. And she replies coolly, “It said he’s DEAD!” After that, she couldn’t resist me any longer. So we held hands and sang a duet - “Hum tum ek kamre mein Bond ho, aur chaabi kho jaaye!”
Bang! Bang! Gunshots! “Somebody is trying to kill me,” says Miss Phataka. But I shake my head. “Those bullets are for me,” I insist. “Okay, let’s not argue,” she reasons. “You take the bullets, I will settle for a club sandwich!” So I chase the gunman in my BMW. After causing considerable damage to public property, I press a button and my BMW turns into a giant spider that spins a web and traps the gunman’s car in a dot com!
Next, I visit Casino Royale and bumps into femme fatale Kaju Kissmiss. We play blackjack while Miss Phataka stays home and eats Krackjack. Then we have a secret
rendezvous in the bonnet of my BMW. She asks me to take off my watch and clothes. I tell her I can’t. “Neither Reid & Taylor nor Omega will like it,” I confess. “The least I can do is loosen my tie and take off my shoes!”
Finally, I barge into the villain’s den wearing my Bausch & Lomb reading glasses. It’s Q’s strategy of scaring my enemies with an intellectual look for a spy who never does anything remotely intelligent. As predicted, the villain’s henchman takes one look at the bespectacled me and dies laughing. That’s when I hurl my Ericsson cell phone at the villain, which not only knocks him unconscious but also defuses the nuclear bomb. Then I set fire to place with my Dunhill cigarette lighter. The world is safe again.
JAMES BOND WILL RETURN - and that’s a warning!