Column

With student politics and youth wings of political parties resorting to netagiri instead of academics, here’s a list of frequently used words and expressions for the benefit of budding politicians.

With our country fast turning into the lawless desi equivalent of the Wild West, the moment there is a riot or a bomb blast, you must quickly ‘EXPRESS CONCERN’ at the situation. Then you’d ‘DEEPLY REGRET’ the loss of innocent lives and ‘REGISTER PROTEST’ with the government against the inept handling of the crisis and ‘DEMAND RESIGNATION’ of the concerned minister.

But if your party started the riot, then justify it as ‘SPONTANEOUS REACTION’ by the ultra-sensitive ‘AAM JANATA’ who got emotional and took to the streets to express their feelings by damaging public property. Whatever you do, never be apologetic or accept your mistake!

On the other hand, if you are part of the government, then you must ‘STRONGLY CONDEMN’ the heinous crime against humanity and ‘OFFER CONDOLENCES’ to bereaved families and promise to set up an ‘ENQUIRY COMMISSION’. But if people remind you of a decade-old unfulfilled promise, your safest escape route would be to ‘TAKE COGNISANCE’ of the matter. Of course, you might want to check the dictionary to find out what cognisance actually means! Whatever you do, never admit you goofed up!

It’s not important you understand even one word of ‘VANDE MATARAM’ but don’t ever refer to it as the national anthem. That honour goes to ‘JANA GANA MANA’, which could be your trump card for an attention-seeking controversy if you are desperate enough to insist that Rabindranath Tagore actually composed it in honour of King George V during his visit to the country in1911! That will keep you in the news for at least a fortnight. Anyways, don’t ever try to sing either of these songs in public to prove your patriotism and expose your ignorance!

Finally, keep an eye on ‘BOLLYWOOD’. It’s your easiest ticket to fame! For example, Maneka Gandhi is quick to rap filmmakers on the knuckle if a stray dog happens to share the screen with a superstar. And now, Health Minister Ramdoss religiously watches TV to catch Shah Rukh Khan smoking cigarettes or drinking Pepsi.

But you could call for a ban on ‘Lage Raho Munnabhai’! With all that Gandhigiri becoming popular, how will you exercise your freedom of expression by vandalising schools, damaging public property and burning buses?