Column

After effects

I’ve one regret in life—that I didn’t learn swimming! And it hit me hard last week when my wife made a startling revelation about the Beijing Olympics.

“Now I know why gold prices have gone up,” she said. “Because all the gold is with swimmer Michael Phelps! Thank God, our shooter Abhinav Bhindra managed to bring home one gold, otherwise prices would have hit the roof!”

Like most men keep track of the share market, my wife monitors the bullion market. Not because we can afford to buy gold but she says it makes her happy just to read about gold or ogle at gold jewellery on other people!

But last week she expressed her annoyance at my inability to swim. “If only you could swim,” she said, “I’d have ensured that you become another Michael Phelps, win some gold which we could then melt and make a necklace for myself!”

I shook my head. “If only I was as tall as one arm of Michael Phelps,” I wailed, “I would have at least been able to breathe in an overcrowded local train during peak hours. Do you know he is six feet four inches tall but his arms are three inches longer than his body!”

But my wife was optimistic. “I think you can give it a shot even at this age,” she said. I tried to reason with her that there is no chance that I could become another Michael Phelps. “Our similarities ended many years ago,” I pointed out. “Just like him I broke into a screaming fit during my first attempt to learn swimming, terrified of putting my face in water, and bolted out of the pool faster than Usain Bolt! If I remember correctly I reached home in 9.68 seconds!”

“If you want me to be Michael Phelps,” I added, “I must consume 12000 calories in a day, which means you have to feed me his menu–three fried egg sandwiches, five egg omelets, three chocolate-chip pancakes with cheese, mayonnaise, tomatoes, cheese and fried onions for breakfast. Lunch and dinner would be half kilo pasta and a large pizza! That’s going to be a lot of hard work! Besides, there’s no guarantee that I’ll stay afloat in water after eating so much!”

“Looks like the only gold we’ll ever have is Marie Gold biscuits,” she concluded.