Column

Batman’s mother is very angry with him! For those of you who don’t read the newspapers as diligently as I do, it’s been widely reported that Christian Bale aka Batman was arrested in London after his mother and sister accused him of assaulting them on Sunday. On condition of anonymity, Alfred the Butler, revealed that Batman’s mother taunted him after she watched the smashing new Batflick. “No wonder this film is called The Dark Knight,” they said. “They kept you in the dark and let the Joker steal the show!”

But Batman’s relationship with his mother has been on the decline for a long time. Especially after she discovered that her son goes out in the night dressed as a bat and jumps off buildings. It all began when she woke up one night and saw her son dressed in black leather. “Aren’t you supposed to wear a white uniform?” she’d asked. “And where’s your bat?”

“I am not going out to play cricket, mom!”

“But I thought you said you’re a batsman,” she’d protested.

“No, mom,” he hissed. “I said I’m Batman!”

“And where are you going at this hour?” she’d persisted. “Why don’t you go to bed like most boys your age? Will you be eating out or should I keep dinner for you? What should I tell your friends if they call? That you’ve gone for some fancy dress competition? And why are you dressed like a bat? Why not a parrot? Can’t you wear some good clothes when you go out…?”

A few days later, Batman found himself in an embarrassing situation when his mother asked, “Are you gay? Who is this Robin? Is he from our community?” Then one day Batman couldn’t find his Batsuit! “I’ve put it for a wash,” said his mother nonchalantly. “It’s high time you got married and brought home someone who’ll do your laundry!”
But on Sunday night, Batman lost his cool when his mother not only mocked him about The Dark Knight but also insisted that they migrate to India. “It’s time you found a real job,” she said. “Why don’t you become a politician in India? All you’ve to do is topple governments, disrupt parliament sessions and make provocative speeches! All you need is a gift of gab and a thousand morons as followers who can be easily provoked to go on a rampage and vandalise public property! Stop wasting time being Batman!”