A pilot’s 'hawa mein baatein'

The name is Pilot Babu. I fly airplanes — when I am not on sick leave. My friends call me a jetsetter — again, when I am not on sick leave. Some people ask me what’s tougher for pilots — flying aircrafts or going on sick leave en masse? The answer is simple. Flying is easy. It’s about take-off and landing; the rest of the time the flight is on auto-pilot. But taking sick leave en masse requires a lot of planning and coordination between 400-odd pilots!

But we pilots have been grossly misunderstood. By suddenly reporting sick, we’re doing the nation a great service and keeping our skies safe. After all, no terrorist will ever want to risk meticulously planning a hijack and then find himself stranded at the airport because all the pilots have reported sick! Somebody asked me why do pilots fall sick. I blamed it on airborne diseases.

Have you wondered why there is very little mention in mythology of the Pushpaka Vimana actually being in flight? Because whenever Ravana reached Colombo airport, he would be told that the pilot has reported sick. Finally, it was out of sheer frustration that the Lord of Lanka flew the Pushpaka Vimana himself when he set out to abduct Sita. My apologies to anyone looking for an excuse to get offended but this is a pilot’s POV.

Similarly, why do you think Orville and Wilbur Wright became the first people in history to pilot an aircraft in 1903? Only because the original pilot reported sick and the brothers were forced to fly their own airplane.

The good news is that now passengers are a little scared of pilots. Yesterday I heard one of them complain about the flight food being drab. I tried to reason with him that higher altitude alters the taste of food and taste buds due to pressurisation. He was unconvinced and started abusing me. I shut him up by warning that I would report sick immediately and he would be literally grounded.

A couple of seats away, a mother was trying to put her annoying baby to sleep by saying, “Bete, so jaa… nahin toh pilot sick leave par chala jayega!”

But despite all my clout as a pilot, I still got tricked by my wife! When she said she wanted us to form a union, I didn’t expect her to drag me to the marriage registrar.