Column

Tales from the Locker Room

As you read this, the finals of the 20-20 would have been played out. However, I’m writing not about the match but about a letter, which came into my possession just before the match began.

The letter was delivered to Pakistani captain Shoaib Malik by a short man with white gloves who looked quite strange.

This may have had something to do with the fact that other than the white gloves he hadn’t a stitch of apparel on him. Here are the contents…

My dearest son Shoaib,

I’m writing in English because my Urdu is of grade school level. So please ask coach Geoff Lawson to help you with the conjunctions, adverbs, indirect articles and pronouns. Although I do admit that your strength is your flair with adjectives and your singular command over prepositions, it gladdens my heart that just like me you are fascinated with the letter ‘I’.

Son, I don’t really care if you win or lose to India today. I’m only interested in your speech after the match. Whatever happens I want you to say the same thing— ‘If we win it is despite thenefarious and malicious meddling of Nawaz Sharief and Imran Khan. And if we lose it’s because of the interference from the two enemies of Pakistan , who get upset over the smallest things such as Pervez Musharrf talking in the third person. (Geoff please explain).

Shoaib beta if you win, you will never have to work again. And if you lose, no problem! In a break from tradition, your family will not be burnt to the ground, though you might have to go into hiding or as westerners refer to it as exile. Remember the words of the immortal Zia ul Haq— ‘It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose but who the hell you blame’.

Yours generally,

Pervez Musharraf,

Board President for life , President for life, Prime Minister for life, Chief of the armed forces for life, and senior executive committee member of the Lahore Gymkhana, in all probability, for life.

P.S. By the way Shoaib, let me clear the matter about the American President’s gaffe. Nelson Mandela is very much alive, it’s Saddam Hussain whom he killed (sometimes you do things so often it’s difficult to remember details). Oh yes, I’ve already asked the ISl to release your parents at the halfway stage. So play proudly and without fear.